Best Jokes (continues)

Originally Posted by Frank F:
Originally Posted by mista h:

Not a joke,but a true story

Went to a Wetherspoons this afternoon. They have a new draught beer on called Bishops @ 8.5%,yep 8.5%. At the bar i ordered 3 pints of same. Barman says to me sorry Sir(thats respect) on instructions from Head Office i can only sell it in half pints. To which i replied i want to drink the stuff,not get a bloody taster. So his suggestion to me was that he sold me 6 x half pints and gave me 3 empty pint glasses.......Job Done.

Have to say 2 pints of this and you know you have had a drink.

Mista H

Also true - I was in a Weatherspoons 2 weeks ago and asked for my own used glass to be refilled - no sir can't do that breaches health and safety requirements!!  Now I have to trust in the effectiveness of their glass cleaning process to remove some other plonkers viruses and suffer from the detergent residues for a second or third time!!  Hope the glass broke in his hand when he washed it and he needed treatment.

 

What w@nker makes up these rules?? I know it was when TonyBLiar was god.

Why isn't Richard a moderator for these stupid laws and interpretations??

 

FF

In my pub they only bring you new glass if you order different beer.

But I don't live in the UK.

 

 


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) 
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," 
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. 


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." 
--Mariah Carey 


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," 
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," 
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," 
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," 
--A congressional candidate in Texas . 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." 
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." 
--Al Gore, Vice President 

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." 
-- Dan Quayle 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" 
--Lee Iacocca 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. 


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." 
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. 


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." 
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina 

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." 
--Keppel Enderbery 

Originally Posted by Sniper:


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) 
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," 
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. 


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." 
--Mariah Carey 


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," 
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," 
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," 
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," 
--A congressional candidate in Texas . 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." 
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." 
--Al Gore, Vice President 

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." 
-- Dan Quayle 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" 
--Lee Iacocca 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. 


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." 
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. 


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." 
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina 

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." 
--Keppel Enderbery 

Makes me proud to be British.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks. he asked what are all these clocks?

 

St peter answered they are all lie-clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a lie-clock.every time you tell a lie the hands on your clock move. Oh said the man,who clock is that?

 

Thats mother Teresas replied St Peter,the hands have never moved,indicating she has never told a Lie.

 

Incredible said the man. And whose clock is that? said the man pointing. That is Abraham Lincolns clock,the hands have move only twice,telling us that he only ever told 2 lies in his entire life.

Where is Tony Blairs clock asked the man. We are using it as a ceiling fan replied St Peter.

Mista H

 

 

Religious jokes are the best, are they not? 

 

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?
Heist of Baked Beans...

Thousands of tins of baked beans have been stolen from a lorry while the driver was asleep in his cab.

A total of 6,400 tins of Heinz baked beans with sausages were taken after thieves cut a large hole in the white Scania vehicle, West Mercia Police said.

The incident happened while the truck was parked in a layby on the A441 at Cookhill, near Redditch in Worcestershire.

An entire pallet and part of a second pallet were stolen from the lorry between 8.45pm on Monday and 5.30am on Tuesday.

"Police are appealing for information, especially about anyone trying to sell large quantities of Heinz baked beans in suspicious circumstances," a force spokesman said.

The product code is 71517000 with an expiry date of 31 March 2015.

Anyone with information should contact police on 101 or alternatively, the anonymous Crimestoppers charity on 0800 555 111 for which a reward may be paid.
Originally Posted by Tony2011:
Heist of Baked Beans...

Thousands of tins of baked beans have been stolen from a lorry while the driver was asleep in his cab.

A total of 6,400 tins of Heinz baked beans with sausages were taken after thieves cut a large hole in the white Scania vehicle, West Mercia Police said.

The incident happened while the truck was parked in a layby on the A441 at Cookhill, near Redditch in Worcestershire.

An entire pallet and part of a second pallet were stolen from the lorry between 8.45pm on Monday and 5.30am on Tuesday.

"Police are appealing for information, especially about anyone trying to sell large quantities of Heinz baked beans in suspicious circumstances," a force spokesman said.

The product code is 71517000 with an expiry date of 31 March 2015.

Anyone with information should contact police on 101 or alternatively, the anonymous Crimestoppers charity on 0800 555 111 for which a reward may be paid.

 

I'm sure somebody will get wind of it!

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Over a week ago, Tom. Just before all your hilarious contributions.

Sorry I hadn't noticed the previous couple of posts which I did actually find quite amusing. I only drop in here once in a blue moon or when I feel like being offended.

It's a little known fact that before Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers danced they always had a tin of rice pudding which they used to heat up on a mobile gas cooker.

 

One day Fred forgot to puncture the tin when it was on the heater and the tin exploded......... 

 

There was pudding on the top hat and pudding on the tails !

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE 

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. 
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" 

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." 
She stands up, and Gets off at the next stop. 


The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" 


"Yeah?", says the hippie. 


"Yeah!", say the bus driver. 
"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, 
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, 
Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, 
And pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." 


The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. 


"I am God," he declares to the nun, 
Keeping the hood low about his Face. 
"Have sex with me." 


The nun agrees without question, 
But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, 
As she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 


'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. 
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. 


"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!" 


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

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