Best Jokes (continues)

An English tourist drives into a Londonderry service station and asks the young man to 'fill her up'.

The attendant replies 'sorry we don't do petrol', to which the motorist replies 'how about checking the oil?'.

'We don't do that either.'

'The water?'

'Nope.'

'Good lord man - you call this a service station?!?'

To which the Irishman replies: 'Actually we're a front for the IRA if you must know'.

'Oh.' says the motorist. 'Then you'll have no trouble blowing up the tires'.

typically un-pc of you joe.....but i like it

Ryan

quote:

typically un-pc of you joe

I run a Mac...

did you hear about the fellow who had his left side surgically removed? - after that he was all right.

Patient: Doctor, doctor I think I'm shrinking
Doctor: Well, you will just have to be a little patient.

Three Irishmen walking back from the pub. They decide to take a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Shamus trips over a gravestone. Picking himself off the ground, he decides to read the inscription. "Ah, Patrick from Tipperary - lived to the ripe old age of 75".

"Well that's nothing" says Patrick "Underneath this stone lies Mick from County Down - he lived for 95 years".

"Blimey" says Shaun "this one here's 150".

"What's his name and where's he from" ask Shamus and Patrick.

"He's Miles - from Dublin"

If the English language had no letter D, Edward Woodward would be Ewar Woowar.

Did you here about the poor little fishy who could not get a loan? In the end he went to the loan shark.

Good to see this back! Fredrik

Tonto went to the loan arranger.

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.

Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmerdecides to call the customer hotline. "Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry sir", replies the customer service person, "the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"

"I manufacture tabletops for shops," said Tom counterproductively.

"I've had my left and right ventricles removed," Tom said half-heartedly.

"The Venus de Milo is a beautiful statue," Tom said disarmingly.

"I'd better make this sandwich last me 3 days" - Tom said rationally.

Bloke goes into a pub, sees his mate, & says
"oh mate, last night I had the best sex ever. I was walking home from here last night, took a short cut over the railway line & saw this woman tied to the track. Well I untied her, took her home, one thing led to another, & had the best sex ever. 5 different ways! It was out of this world."
His mate says
"blimey mate, thats a stroke of luck. What was she like? Good looking? Was she blonde, brunette, did she have blue or brown eyes?"

"Oh, I don't know, I didn't pick up the head".

A friend of mine was lamenting the lack of a good chippies in Wiltshire these days.

"Oh", I said, "Why's that?"

"There's no Devizes for Chippenham"

YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food
court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would
look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had
enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.

Today is STAR WARTH day.

May the 4th be with you...

jamie
Surely today ith Star Warth day?

quote:

Originally posted by Chris Kelly:
jamie
Surely today ith Star Warth day?

Errr, make that "...ith Thtar Warth...".

Sign on a brothel door:
"Beat it, we're closed."

Which reminds me of the story of how Thor, the Norse God of Thunder came to earth and seeing a pretty maiden decided to have his way with her, throwing her to the ground and ripping her clothes off and rogering her furiously.

When he had finished he stood over her and raised his arms to the heavens and called out in a mighty voice 'I'm Thor' to which the maiden replied 'Oh your'e thor? Well I'm so thor I can hardly pith!'

I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the "sportsman's double", a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, you still awake?"

quote:

Originally posted by Deane F:


I went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, you still awake?"

So what happened next?

A husband and wife are looking at their extremely overgrown garden. She says "When are you going to tidy all this up, love?"

He replies "Ah come on now, you know I'm no Diarmud Gavin..."

The garden stays just the way it is. A week later she points out outstanding jobs in the house.
This time he says " Ah but I'm no Handy Andy am I?" Again, no progress is made.

The following week the lack of progress in decorating is brought to his attention.
"Well I'm no Llewellyn-Bowen am I?" he retorts.

A week later a young man comes to the door offering to do any gardening or odd jobs around the home. She takes him up on the offer and the hubby is amazed on his return from work that evening.

"However did you pay for all this?" he asks.

His wife says "I was offered a choice; either cook him a meal, or go to bed with him.........

....and you know I'm no Delia Smith!"