Best Jokes (continues)

John had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
John saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
five o'clock..."

"Great," said John, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars was leaving, he stopped. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin' "
"Not a problem," says John. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
John says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," said John, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,what should I wear?"

Lars stopped in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... The little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... Once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?



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Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

A husband and wife went for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was ...

The wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years That they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable - an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her breasts and crotch.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

"This is what your wife needs at least three times a week: Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Oh dear, but it made me smile!

George

Just been to the Gym and there's a new machine.

I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick!. It's good though, it does everything......
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Kit kats,Mars bars, Snickers and crisps.



For those who remember them imagine it read as a Two Ronnies "news item".


Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America, financial uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that the Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after prices nosedived. Also today Cherry Blossom Financial Services is reported to be in the pits.

While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Superb, Howard - my kind of jokes.

A Damn Fine Explanation!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

What's grey, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss?
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The dialysis machine.

Man goes to the doctor for a check up.
"You're going to have to stop masturbating" says the doc.
"Oh no, really?" says the chap "why?"
"Because I'm trying to examine you, and it's really putting me off"

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' the mortician says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

This may have been here before, apologies if so (nor is it really a joke strictly speaking), but it made me smile.


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COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF WORLD RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES


TAOISM Shit Happens

CONFUCIANISM Confucius says, "Shit Happens."

ZEN What is the sound of shit happening?

YOGA There's a full lotus shit happening.

TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.......

HINDUISM This shit has happened before.

ISLAM If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM If shit happens, you deserve it.

FUNDAMENTALISM If shit happens, they deserve it.

PROTESTANTISM Let shit happen to someone else.

EPISCOPALIANISM When shit happens, make it tasteful.

JUDAISM Why does shit always happen to US?

MORMONISM Shit's going to happen. Stockpile.

UNITARIANISM Deal with your own shit happening.

TWELVE STEP PROGRAMS. We're powerless over shit. Turn shit over.

ASTROLOGY Uranus transits.

PERESTROIKA We can't control shit. Let shit happen.

AGNOSTICISM Shit may or may not be happening; we don't know shit.

ATHEISM No shit.

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Bob Marley doesn't like the donuts in Heaven.
Apparently they don't have any jammin'.

Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs from?

Jason's Doner van

Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard.
David Beckham takes his out in public.

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied.

So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you going?' (I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I
replied)-

'Yeah, not too bad thanks.' After a short pause, I heard the voice again -

'So, what are you up to mate?' Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said.

Unsure what to say, I replied 'Umm, just having a quick crap..
How about yourself?'

I then heard the voice for the third time .....'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say.'

Gathering for an Aussie wedding, the guests are brought to attention by a surprise announcement from the Best Man.

"Sorry everyone, the wedding's off. We've run out of beer and some joker has screwed the bride".

Much muttering and sighs of disappointment as the news sinks in. Suddenly the Best Man rushes back and calls for attention once more.

"Hi folks, the wedding's on again. We have found some more beer and the joker who screwed the bride has apologised".

A rich lawyer was going down the street in his limo when he saw a hobo
kneeling in a park, eating the grass.

The lawyer asked his chauffeur to stop and rolled down the window
to talk to the poor fellow. The lawyer asked, "How come you are eating
this grass?" The hobo replied, "I have no money and no house, so
my family and I live in this park, eat the grass, and drink out of the
drinking fountain."


The lawyer said, "Well, I'm rich. Go get your family and friends, and
you can all come to my house and I'll feed you." Eventually the hobo,
his family, his friends, and his friends' families all piled into the
limo. As they were driving down the road, the lawyer broke the silence.
"You know, you guys are really going to like it at my house. The grass
is at least a foot long in the back."

I went to the zoo the other day, they only had one dog.

It was a '5hit zoo'

A man goes in to the confessional and sits down.
"How can I help you?" asks the priest.
"Well" says the man, "Last night I went out and got chatting to two beautiful girls who turned out to be twin sisters. One thing led to another, and we all headed back to my place."
"Go on." said the priest.
"Well, I had sex with both of them all night, in every position you can think of. Some of which must be illegal. I was like a god! In fact they're waiting in my flat for more of the same as we speak."
"Right" says the priest, "I want you to go home, squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink it down in one go".
"Will that absolve me of my sins?" the man asked.
"No" replied the priest, "But it will take that stupid grin off your face".

Regards,
Steve.

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.”

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest”, the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

“Wait sir”, the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?”

The man smiled. “Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

A man walks into a bank and shouts "Stick your hands in the air, this is a cock-up!".
One of the bank tellers meekly asks him "Don't you mean it's a stick-up?".
"No" replies the man "I've forgotten my gun".

Apologies,
Steve.

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the f ****** gates'.

I was given a 'Roadkill Cookbook' as a present recently.
I went out in the car, & it didn't take long to find the main ingredient.
I followed the recipe, & enjoyed the meal,
but I'm not sure what to do with the child's bike.