Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
What? Plagiarism on this forum? I would have never believed it.
When I was a teen if I had a sore throat I was given a Hall's soother to suck on . My Uncle Stuart kept them in his pants.
Names of character may vary.
Mickey Rooney to Mae West - "One day Mae I'm going to **** you."
Mae West to Mickey Rooney "If you do ......... and I find out."
I was going to write a joke about Max Clifford. Then I remembered that I'd have no-one to represent me if I got sued.
When I was a teen if I had a sore throat I was given a Hall's soother to suck on .
I was once offered a Fisherman's Friend.
Don rainy downtown York
off a couple of trawlermen.
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£37,000." ;
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £570,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
Anyone know who's phone this is?
Very good!
Very good!
Very, very good. Not that it's actually a joke mind you.
I've just had a text from my sister. She tells me Tampax are making a change to their product - the little string will be replaced with a piece of tinsel. It won't be a permanent change, however. It'll just be for the Christmas period.
I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices all over a non-fiction book. It's baste on a true story.
An elderly man comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old guy walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old man.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”
The old guy leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes, sir, I sure am.”
The old guy leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
“Well, then, be sure to wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger.”
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
Tuba quite clear, you are suggesting what exactly?