Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 14 December 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Jan-Erik Nordoen:
... as was my reply 
Was that intended to be a play on the Pulitzer prize ?
Posted on: 14 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My mate asked me "Do you like Tom Hanks movies?"
I said "Well I'm not a Big fan."
Posted on: 14 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Posted on: 14 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. And then a voice in my head says "Haha good one." and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Posted on: 14 December 2012 by Jan-Erik Nordoen
Originally Posted by Cbr600:
Originally Posted by Jan-Erik Nordoen:
... as was my reply
Was that intended to be a play on the Pulitzer prize ?
That's news to me, I've heard that they made a movie about it though.
Posted on: 14 December 2012 by Jan-Erik Nordoen
More Norwegian computer audio terms :
Bits : Ve could see everything ! All her bits !
Bit rate : Ole says 8, but I give her a 10 !
Pulse code modulation : vot happens ven a wisual signal is converted to a series of pulses
Compression : see Squeezebox
Posted on: 14 December 2012 by tonym
My mate's new girlfriend has really bad excema.
Cracking tits!
Posted on: 15 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My six year old saw The Lion King this morning.
I should quit spiking her Coco Pops with acid but it's absolutely hilarious.
Posted on: 15 December 2012 by madasafish
With hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's!
Posted on: 15 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
With the end of the world almost upon us, I've decided to work my way through a list of all the taboo things I never dared to do in life.
So here I am, with a syringe full of heroin, wearing my wifes underwear and about to shag a sheep.
And as soon as I'm done, I'll get started on that list.
Posted on: 15 December 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by tonym:
My mate's new girlfriend has really bad excema.
Cracking tits!
Lactose intolerant
Posted on: 15 December 2012 by Arfur Oddsocks
A scouse mate tells me he's got a trampolene and a bike for his kids for xmas off the internet.
What website did you see them on ? I asked
Google Earth, he says.
Posted on: 15 December 2012 by hego99
Originally Posted by Arfur Oddsocks:
A scouse mate tells me he's got a trampolene and a bike for his kids for xmas off the internet.
What website did you see them on ? I asked
Google Earth, he says.
Priceless.
Posted on: 15 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
If I'm ever on a life support machine, please just unplug me.
Then plug me back in again and see if that works.
Posted on: 16 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
BBC News: Nigeria air crash kills governor.
But on the bright side, he had $10m that you shall shortly be receiving an email about...
Posted on: 16 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Posted on: 16 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
As an astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was a genius, but even he couldn't work out what the 3 stars meant on Man City's shirt.
Posted on: 16 December 2012 by tonym
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my apologies. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought...until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Posted on: 16 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I'm not even thinking about drugs at all this Chrystmeth.
Posted on: 17 December 2012 by tonym
Every year there seem to be more and more choices of advent calendars - and I thought their days were numbered.
Posted on: 17 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I'm currently hiding in an underground reinforced metal bunker consisting of 26 inches of solid steel with enough food and water to last me 6 months.
Nothing to do with the Mayan prophecy, I just forgot to get my wife a present for her birthday.
Posted on: 17 December 2012 by rodwsmith
Better get the really funny jokes in quick..!
Posted on: 17 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Every year my wife lets me munch on her triangle.
Nothing like a Toblerone on Christmas day.
Posted on: 18 December 2012 by rodwsmith
Originally Posted by rodwsmith:
Better get the really funny jokes in quick..!
This appears not to have displayed (worked on ipad, not on PC). As it's topical, here it is again, before it's too late...
Posted on: 18 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I was hit by a car the other day whilst crossing the road, spilling the coffee I was holding all over me.
Which is ironic because it was at a T-junction.
