Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Say what you want about Jimmy Savile, but he always made a bloody convincing decoy.
See you soon kids,
Lots of love,
Father Christmas.
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Conortsun
I hate shopping at this time of the year. Today, you
couldn't move for Mayans panic buying presents and food!
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"
I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I am so glad that Mrs Thatcher got through her operation OK.
Trying to let off fireworks in this weather is an absolute nightmare.
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Arfur Oddsocks
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Q: How many NRA members does it take to change a light bulb? A: More guns.
Sad but true
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Paper Plane
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I am so glad that Mrs Thatcher got through her operation OK. Trying to let off fireworks in this weather is an absolute nightmare.
steve
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by naim_nymph
Originally Posted by Paper Plane:
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I am so glad that Mrs Thatcher got through her operation OK. Trying to let off fireworks in this weather is an absolute nightmare.
steve
In a thirteen second operation they successfully removed a wooden stake from the cold dead heart.
The surgeon leading the resurrection team, Dr. Frank Enstein commented that she will be ready to continue sucking the lifeblood of more victims very soon, and is sure to live on for another 189 years.
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Meow!!!
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Jan-Erik Nordoen
I dreamt of a day when the NRA held a meeting, and no one shot up.
Posted on: 22 December 2012 by Komet
Recent mention of the grocer's daughter reminded me of the joke that got Kenny Everett sacked from Radio 2:
Once Britain was an empire, and we were ruled by an emperor. Then Britain became a kingdom, and we were ruled by a king. Now Britain is a country, and we are ruled by Margaret Thatcher.
All done in the best possible taste, of course.
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Paper Plane
Originally Posted by naim_nymph:
Originally Posted by Paper Plane:
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I am so glad that Mrs Thatcher got through her operation OK. Trying to let off fireworks in this weather is an absolute nightmare.
steve
In a thirteen second operation they successfully removed a wooden stake from the cold dead heart.
The surgeon leading the resurrection team, Dr. Frank Enstein commented that she will be ready to continue sucking the lifeblood of more victims very soon, and is sure to live on for another 189 years.
steve
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by tonym
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Brilliant.
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Having a vajazzle when you are over 30 looks like you've sprinkled glitter on road kill.
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My wife went mental earlier when I called her a big fat rhino.
She was screaming and shouting at me, calling me every name under the sun and threatening to beat the crap out of me.
I just stood there, frozen to the spot.
And that's the safest thing to do, as her vision's based mainly on movement.
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Paper Plane
Originally Posted by tonym:
Doubly so as the bloke looks like he's p*ss*d himself...
steve
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Don Atkinson
I haven't read all of this thread, so apologies if this has appeared before:
Barrister for the Defence: So, Ms Jones, You allege that you were raped quite some time ago, almost six months in fact?
Ms Jones: That’s right sir.
Barrister for the Defence: But, Ms Jones, you didn’t report this alleged offence to the police for quite some time, almost six weeks in fact?
Ms Jones: That’s right Sir.
Barrister for the Defence: So when, exactly Ms Jones, did you first realise that you had been raped ?
Ms Jones: Well Sir, when the cheque bounced !
Cheers
Don
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Conortsun
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
How much does Cat Deeley spend on her shampoo?
Pantene.
Posted on: 23 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I used to stay up all night drinking coffee and listening to Led Zepplin with my girlfriend.
It was a whole latte love.
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by GraemeH
Originally Posted by Conortsun:
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Unbelievably, this took me a second read!....I think it needs 'certainly' added to help the jist: "But that would certainly explain the suitcase"........don't know why but that works better I think. G
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Last time I saw my wife she looked like a million dollars.
She was green and stuffed in a suitcase.
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I will never understand my wife.
Last night we had a one and a half hour conversation about a three minute conversation she had earlier at work.
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by GraemeH
Oh oh.....Tony's on holiday. Brace yourselves 
!
Have a good one. G
