Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
What's Piers Morgan getting for Christmas? Deported.
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Cbr600

Best wishallot all who contribute to this thread, and I would say a joyous new year, but then, that's probably assured, especially if the Tony's get rejuvenated over the festive season

 

Paul

Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
The Queen's speech will be broadcast in 3-D this year. I'm not sure what she's got planned, but let's hope there are no ping-pong balls involved.
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by tonym

My wife went f***ing mental earlier when I called her a big fat rhino.
She was screaming and shouting at me, calling me every name under the sun and threatening to beat the crap out of me.
I just stood there, frozen to the spot.

The safest thing to do, as her vision's based mainly on movement.

Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Redmires

I've just got some new headphones for Christmas that look like two steak and kidney puddings… and then I saw they were made by Pioneer.

Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Redmires

My wife’s sister sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
On Christmas morning, when your children tell you that their new phones are the wrong colour, their new laptops are not good enough for their particular needs, and your wife tells you that the 1800 quid necklace you got for her is "Nice," please spare a thought for those on their own. And try not to get jealous.
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My wife rang me earlier and said "I've got rid of the kids for the night, do you fancy going to the pub? " "Brilliant" I said, "Don't wait up."
Posted on: 24 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I like my girls like I like my gravy. Hot, thick, and dribbling all over my spuds.
Posted on: 25 December 2012 by Cbr600

Such a filthy mind........yes

Posted on: 25 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
After giving me my Christmas present, I told my wife I need to nip out to get her surprise. I just hope that the petrol station is open.
Posted on: 25 December 2012 by MDS

Why did God create Adam before Eve? Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Posted on: 25 December 2012 by MDS

Why did God create Eve? To iron Adam's leaf.

Posted on: 25 December 2012 by MDS

Who was the greatest inventor of all time? God was. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Posted on: 25 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
C'mon lads. It's very important to treat a woman with the respect it deserves. Tony
Posted on: 25 December 2012 by Fred Mulder

Women will never be equal to men..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'.

Posted on: 25 December 2012 by Fred Mulder

 A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is

installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.
 
 
FEMALE PROCEDURE
 
1. Drive up to cash machine.
 
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
 
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
 
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
 
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
 
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

 

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

 

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 


Posted on: 26 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I was 14 when something I did was featured on Blue Peter. A vandalised garden.
Posted on: 26 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My wife wants me to be more caring and loving... If only she could see me with my girlfriend.
Posted on: 26 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning. There was a note on his bed which read "I can't take the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him. As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said "Thats not how you spell criticism."
Posted on: 26 December 2012 by Happy Listener

An HMV Gift Voucher which expires if not redeemed within 12m!!

 

Hmnnnn.....

 

 

Posted on: 26 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
A Mayan walks into a bar. Barman says " Cheer up , it might still happen."
Posted on: 26 December 2012 by MDS

What's the best thing for a hangover?

 

 

 

Drink loads the night before.

Posted on: 26 December 2012 by MDS

When should you never drive home from the pub?

 

 

 

 

When you walked there in the first place.

Posted on: 26 December 2012 by MDS

A G N B:    That's bang out of order.