Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 26 December 2012 by MDS
Did you hear about the Irishman who stepped into the path of steam train? He was chuffed to bits.
Posted on: 26 December 2012 by Nicolo
So why are women with fake breasts, fake eyelashes, fake hair and fake nails so surprised when they cannot find a real man....
Posted on: 27 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off, and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.
Posted on: 27 December 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by MDS:
A G N B: That's bang out of order.
LOL
Posted on: 27 December 2012 by Arfur Oddsocks
At the office party last night they played Twist , so I did the twist,then they played 'Jump' so I jumped. I was escorted from the premises when Come On Eileen was playing.
Posted on: 27 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Where does Kylie Minogue get her Kebabs from?
Jason's Doner Van.
Posted on: 27 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits.
Posted on: 27 December 2012 by Arfur Oddsocks
I've started to carry a Doner card, if I'm tragically killed I want someone to have my Kebab
Posted on: 27 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Anytime there's a storm outside, my cat attempts to scratch everything in its path.
When it rains it paws.
Posted on: 27 December 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits.
Predictive sex?
Posted on: 28 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn't finished it.
Posted on: 28 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I moved into a new street last week and told my neighbour that I'm a registered sex offender.
I'm not really, but it should stop their bloody kids playing in my garden.
Posted on: 28 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My wife wanted a boob job for Christmas.
Turns out an interview at Hooters wasn't what she had in mind.
Posted on: 28 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.
Posted on: 28 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
Posted on: 29 December 2012 by David Leedham
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f..king Ferrari then?
Posted on: 29 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I walked into the dentists the other day and asked how much it would cost to have a wisdom tooth removed.
"A hundred and forty quid," the dentist said.
"That's a ridiculous amount," I said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds."
I complained, "That's still far too expensive!"
"Okay," said the dentist. "If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 10 pounds."
"Nope," I moaned, "it's still too much."
"Well," said the dentist finally, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it using pliers, I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver."
"Marvelous!" I said. "Book my wife in for next Tuesday!"
Posted on: 29 December 2012 by tonym
I wish I had listened to the advice my Grandad used to give me.
Why, what did he say?
How should I know, I wasn't listening.
Posted on: 30 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I'm convinced some women don't fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Posted on: 30 December 2012 by MDS
A doctore examines a woman and takes her husband aside. 'I don't want to alarm you' he says, 'but I don't like the way your wife looks.'
'Me neither, Doctor,' says the husband. 'But she's a great cook and real good with the kids.'
Posted on: 30 December 2012 by MDS
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog - you know he'll shut up when he comes in.
Posted on: 30 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
"Hey baby, want to come back to mine?"
"Sure."
"Great. Here's your helmet and pickaxe."
Posted on: 30 December 2012 by MDS
A ventriloquist is telling blonde jokes in a bar, when one of his audience, a young blonde lady, stands up and complains. 'I've heard just about enough of your lousy blonde jokes!' she shouts. 'What makes you think you can stereotype women in this way? What does a person's hair colour have to do with their worth as a human being?'
The ventriloquist is very embarrassed and starts to apologise. The blonde interrupts, 'Stay out of it, mister! I'm talking to the little bast**d on you knee!'
Posted on: 30 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My author friend committed suicide yesterday.
I think it was because he was suffering from "writer's block", but I'm not sure.
He didn't leave a note.
Posted on: 30 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Just bought the wife a sheepdog fur bra.
"Aww, will that keep my boobs nice and warm?"
I said "No, but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."
