Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 31 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I had a horrible dream last night that I was being chased by Eddie Stobart.
It was a logistical nightmare.
Posted on: 31 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I went into the library earlier and said:
"I'm looking for a book on the 'Calcification of the Spine' please."
"I've got a hardback" said the librarian.
"Yeah" I said, "that's the one."
Posted on: 31 December 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Crikey. Just realised. I've not done a poo since last year.
Posted on: 01 January 2013 by tonym
"Hey baby, want to come back to mine?"
"Sure."
"Great. Here's your helmet and pickaxe."
Posted on: 01 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
I remember 2012 as if it were yesterday.
Posted on: 01 January 2013 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I remember 2012 as if it were yesterday.
Nothing wrong with your short term memory then !
Posted on: 01 January 2013 by David Leedham
Posted on: 01 January 2013 by tonym
Apparently it's impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one minute.
Always up for a challenge I thought I'd give it a go.
I managed three and then I choked on a plastic moustache.
Posted on: 02 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
My brother took being sent to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
We never played Monopoly again.
Posted on: 02 January 2013 by tonym
Posted on: 02 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
The police have advised the public to avoid making false and libelous posts on twitter following Jim Davidson's arrest for sex offences.
"Be very wary of accusing him of being a comedian" said the head of the police operation.
Posted on: 03 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.
Posted on: 03 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
I walked into the bathroom and caught my mate using my toothbrush.
"What the hell!" I yelled. "How would you like it if I did that in your house?"
"You wouldn't need to," he replied. "My house has toilet roll."
Posted on: 03 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
The UK's first hand transplant operation has taken place.
The lengths some people will go to make it feel like someone else is doing it.
Posted on: 04 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
When Princess Di was a youngster, she took Ken and Barbie out of their dreamhouse and set them on fire.
After 20 minutes, the only thing still alight was Barbie's foot.
It seems her Ken doll burned out long before her leg end ever did.
Posted on: 04 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
"Drove past that Kate Middleton's sister today"
"Pippa?"
"Nah, I just waved".
Posted on: 04 January 2013 by MDS
What's the most stupid animal in the jungle? A polar bear.
Posted on: 04 January 2013 by MDS
Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
Posted on: 04 January 2013 by MDS
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
Posted on: 04 January 2013 by MDS
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the dog.
Posted on: 05 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Reports say the gap between the rich and the poor is widening, and I think it's true.
I've just bought the land around my house.
Posted on: 05 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
There is a show on TV tonight where a bunch of over-paid celebrities try their hand at diving.
'Match of the Day'.
Posted on: 05 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
The barman said to me "I've hired a bagpipes player for tonight."
"What's the occasion?" I asked
"I want to close early."
Posted on: 05 January 2013 by GraemeH
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
There is a show on TV tonight where a bunch of over-paid celebrities try their hand at diving. 'Match of the Day'.
I'd have a version with no water in the pool called 'Splat'.....G
Posted on: 05 January 2013 by Mike-B
Dyslexic Yorkshiremen wear cat flaps