Best Jokes (continues)

You need to look more closely at the picture Actually.

OMG

That is serious

What saddo went to all that trouble ?

Hopefully not ur wife !

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat, closed her eyes & drifted off to sleep.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart,  it's Eric. I'm on the train.

Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later he was still talking loudly of sweet nothings & the other commuter, now wide awake, leaned over and said into the phone, 
"Eric darling, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any more.

 Thanks George. How are you these days?

I took all my old pens to Pizza Hut,

but it seems their unlimited refills offer is a bit misleading .

I'm fine thanks Tony. Hope you're keeping well. Better finish there, someone may get cross and suggest email. 

I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with The Samaritans.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said, "I'm Dave and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".

All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line.."

WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
 
So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.  And you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...

MEN - Meanwhile, at the pub...

So, how was your evening last night?

Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?
 
A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..king candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

So, I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.......

and I was all like, OMg.

I actually spat out tea laughing at that one, cheers.