Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 12 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
You need to look more closely at the picture Actually.
Posted on: 12 January 2013 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
You need to look more closely at the picture Actually.

OMG

That is serious

 

What saddo went to all that trouble ?

Hopefully not ur wife !

Posted on: 12 January 2013 by Mike-B

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat, closed her eyes & drifted off to sleep.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart,  it's Eric. I'm on the train.

Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later he was still talking loudly of sweet nothings & the other commuter, now wide awake, leaned over and said into the phone, 
"Eric darling, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any more.

Posted on: 12 January 2013 by tonym
Originally Posted by GML:
Originally Posted by tonym:
My pet mouse, Elvis, has just died. He was caught in a trap.
 

Mmmm, suspicious!

 Thanks George. How are you these days?

Posted on: 12 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
"It's so pathetic I have to fake my orgasm with my husband to make him feel more comfortable as a man. Why do men have to have such fragile egos?"... Asked the woman in six inch heels, fake tits, bright red hair, and too much makeup.
Posted on: 12 January 2013 by BigH47

I took all my old pens to Pizza Hut,



but it seems their unlimited refills offer is a bit misleading .

Posted on: 12 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Ever since my wife joined Weight Watchers she`s been going on about getting back to her original weight. I think 6lb 7oz is a bit unrealistic.
Posted on: 12 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
David Byrne gets Alzheimer's. "This is not my beautiful house." "This is not my beautiful wife." "How did I get here?"
Posted on: 13 January 2013 by GML
Originally Posted by tonym:
Originally Posted by GML:
Originally Posted by tonym:
My pet mouse, Elvis, has just died. He was caught in a trap.
 

Mmmm, suspicious!

 Thanks George. How are you these days?

I'm fine thanks Tony. Hope you're keeping well. Better finish there, someone may get cross and suggest email. 

Posted on: 13 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
I spotted this birthday card in M&S today.
Posted on: 13 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
The big freeze is on its way. The wife has found out I'm shagging her sister.
Posted on: 13 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
What do you call identical twin policemen? Copies.
Posted on: 13 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Sometimes I feel like a prostitute. So I leave the wife and kids at home and go and find one.
Posted on: 14 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
"Palestine model shot dead in Israel" I hope it was Wallace, I really like Gromit.
Posted on: 14 January 2013 by Reginald Halliday

I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with The Samaritans.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said, "I'm Dave and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".

All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line.."

Posted on: 14 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
'BBC out of touch with the young generation'. It's probably for the best that they don't go back there.
Posted on: 14 January 2013 by mharttpalmer

WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
 
So, how was your evening last night?

 

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.  And you?

 

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...

MEN - Meanwhile, at the pub...

So, how was your evening last night?

Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?
 
A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..king candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

Posted on: 14 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Tomorrow is Afro-caribbean hair day at work. I'm dreading it.
Posted on: 14 January 2013 by Conortsun
I was wondering why my frisbee seemed to be getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Posted on: 14 January 2013 by BigH47
So, I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.......


and I was all like, OMg.
Posted on: 15 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Jeremy Kyle - "Benefit scroungers make me sick!" Phil Schofield from This Morning - "A nation on benefits is no nation at all" Loose Women - "It's about time Britain got working and stopped sponging!" ...they say to their target-audience of single mums, OAP's, and those held at Her Majesty's Pleasure.
Posted on: 15 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
'Jobs of HMVs 4000+ workforce in jeopardy' No,British Steel had a workforce. HMV have sales assistants.
Posted on: 15 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Good on Lance Armstrong for finally having the ball to come clean
Posted on: 15 January 2013 by Tony Lockhart
What's the difference between HMV and Victoria Beckham? HMV sold CDs.
Posted on: 15 January 2013 by rodwsmith
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Good on Lance Armstrong for finally having the ball to come clean

I actually spat out tea laughing at that one, cheers.