Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Has anyone heard any good jokes lately?
This thread has become a joke - GET A LIFE, IT ONLY A FORUM
Once Upon a Time ......
A guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'No'
The guy lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing, played golf, drank beer whenever he wanted, had piles of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
A top thief from Paris almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
He was captured only a few streets away when he ran out of petrol.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell you a story like this
The teacher confiscated a rubber band pistol from little Johnny in the algebra class. It was a weapon of maths disruption.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
A young up & coming banker was at an investment meeting when he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, she took his breath away & he set his heart on making her his wife.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die & I'll inherit 20 million"
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and 3 days later she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Texting for seniors...
Could be useful and don’t think you are all that far off using these….
Young people have theirs, now we “seniors” have our own texting codes:
* ATD- At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM- Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center
* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL- Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT- Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Did you hear the sad news about Bob; he died suddenly yesterday
No ! that's so sad, what did he have ?
LP12 & Naim with PMC, he started of with Cyrus but that always leads on to something else.
I don't like E minor
It gives me the E BE G BE's
Very good!
ATB from George
NEW SUPERMARKET
A new supermarket opened in Cranbook, Texas.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy my toilet paper there anymore....
Try this one George ............
B flat, D flat and F walk into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve minors", so D flat leaves, and B flat and F have an open fifth between them.
Dear Mike,
Stop it! Your killing me! 
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor!
ATB from George
Did you hear the one about the viola player trying to sell his instrument as he was so fed up with viola player jokes?
He walked into the shop to trade this instrument in for a violin as he planned to become a second violinist.
The guy behind the counter said,
"You're a viola player aren't you?
"Yes," the viola player replied, and enquired how the shop owner knew. He replied,
"Well this is a fish and chip shop. The music shop is next door!"
ATB from George
At an orchestral concert the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.
He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.
The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!"
In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!"
Changing the subject, (run out of music jokes)
I've developed an irrational fear of sausages
I booked an appointment with my doctor but I fear the wurst
Just about this time of year in 1928, Sir Edward Elgar was involved in a recording session with the Royal Choral Society and the LSO for HMV.
Before the session properly began, he made a short speech to the massed performers, saying,
"Ladies and Gentlemen. It a very pleasant to see you all again. I fear it is now too late to wish you all a Happy New Year, and certainly too soon to wish you a Very Happy Easter, so we shall have to consider the possibility of a Very Penitential Lent!"
The session then went rather well!
ATB from George
The new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for as long as it takes to get it done. The timpanist voicing his displeasure belts out BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, “Alright, who did that?!”
Musicians' definition of the Oboe:
"The ill-wind that blows no good!"
ATB from George
Sir Thomas Beecham on Orchestral Brass:
One should never look at them. It only encourages them!
ATB from George