Best Jokes (continues)

Sir Adrian Boult addressing an orchestra rehearsing Bach's Third Brandenburg Concerto [in G major]. The last chord involves the violins playing their open G strings, and unless nicely tuned, the effect is hardly pleasant.

Boult asked, "Ladies and gentlemen, could we possible manage to co-ordinate all our G-strings for this?" Boult had no idea that what he said might be taken as funny, and orchestra collective examined the floor stifling convulsions!

ATB from George

Albert Sammons was one the greatest violinists of the Twentieth Century and firm friends with Solomon Cutner who was just as great a pianist. Together they attended a concert with Jascha Heifetz playing the violin solo in a concerto in the old Queens Hall at one of the Prom Concerts. It was high summer and terribly hot in the Hall.

Albert said to Solomon, "It's bloody hot in here." 

Quick as a flash Solomon replied, "Hot in here for violinists!"

ATB from George

Otto Klemperer on recording techniques,

"Stereo is fake!"

The trouble is that he not joking!

ATB from George

I've made a musical answer message for my phone using my favorite baroque piece.  

It says please call Bach later.

Dear Mike,

Almost as nice a face to face conversation!

Thanks!

ATB from George

A pianist left a note for his wife:

Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet

(Need to go, the CDX2 is demanding attention)

Hahaha! Very good!

Here is a grim Klemperer story! Klemperer had a very fast wit, but it could be more cutting than kind.

A notoriously difficult wind solo was managed very nicely, but the player concerned at the rehearsal with the Philharmonia in 1954 when Klemperer began to take charge of the orchestra, managed it superbly. The orchestra waited for Klemperer to stop the music and comment, and when he did they applauded their colleague before Klemperer could begin his comments.

Klemperer dryly observed, "Applause is easy to get in London!"

Strangely the orchestra warmed to this giant of a human and perfectionist musician.

ATB from George

Ohhh...isn't that suite?

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots,
a new ordnance survey map,
a nice hand carved walking stick & a rucksack.
Then I went up to the Peak District,
walked for about 5 miles stopped,
sat on a stone wall & had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles,
had a biscuit, sat on a wall &
then I...

...oh, Sorry, I'm rambling!!

Jack decided  to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's  minivan and headed north.

After  driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible  blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the  night.

'I realize  it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all  to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my  house.'

'Don't  worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And  if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady  agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come  morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But  about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an  attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...

He dropped  in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed  at on our ski holiday up north  about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do."  Said  Bob..

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the  house and pay her a  visit?"

"Well, um,  yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I  have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your  name?"

Bob's face  turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"

"She just  died and left me everything."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite  candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

 
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f--ing retard!!!!'

Cyclings governing body should run the porn industry. Drugs, bad acting and fake results.

As I was getting dressed, the prostitute said "You were the first man to give me an orgasm."
 
"That's OK love," I said to her. "No need to give me that shit."
 
"No Sir, don't you remember me? Mandy Fletcher, year 8 Maths?"

I saw a replay of that interview between Oprah Winfrey and Lance Armstrong. 

That guy lied so much, I'm not sure he even went to the moon!

NASA discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem they spent over 10 years & $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

.....but what do you do with the shavings when you break the point???

...open the window and knock 'em outside of course.

NASA has announced its plans for recruiting astronauts for the manned Mars missions.

They plan to have a female on each mission as a safeguard as if they get lost the woman will ask for directions.

Does anyone know a really clever 'Pirate' joke please as I need one to get even with our local pub quiz questioner. We had a pirate round the other week and the RRRRRR joke are continuing and wearing a little thin so a real bobby dazzler would help me out and anyway a pirate joke is always welcome. I'l start us off with the type that I dont want.

Where do Pirate shop? ..... AAAAAR gos'

(see what I mean?)