Best Jokes (continues)

A pirate captain walks into a bar. Unusually, he is without his crew this evening. The barman asks him; "Where are you buccaneers?".  The pirate captain retorts; "On my buccan' head, of course!".

John Humphreys announced at a few seconds to eight this morning on Today that scientists had been working on hunch when trying to work out if the remains were those of Richard III.

Sorry to repeat this dreadful piece of humour!

ATB from George

...or 'holding up me hat'!

A Burger a Burger my Kingdom for a Burger

Breaking News: Guinness Book of Records confirm Richard III as new Record Holder at Hide and Seek .

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass, please."

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old Navy Chief tried it.
"It's a redhead, 26 years old, three months pregnant ... and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."0C326278

I think we need a string or Richard d'Turd jokes

Richard wont be the last bloke to have his face reconstructed after leaving a pub car park in Leicester 

Richard got a summons for non-payment of 600 years of parking fines.

He's checking to see if he can persuade Vicky Pryce to pay it

Seems like "I'm just going for a quick Richard" may be making a comeback.

Thanks to Brad Pitt and Douglas Hurd for your services.

As soon as they announced they had found human remains,  I had a hunch it was going to be Richard.

Ironic that Richard III was identified by his DN Neigh.

1. The following new courses are available now each one designed to build on the DE&S Values and Staff Development Aims of the Bonus System. These courses can be booked though HRMS or your TLO and count towards your 6+4 training plan.

Personal Development Courses
D110 Creative Suffering
D120 Overcoming Peace of Mind
D130 Ego Gratification through Non Violence
D140 Whine Your Way to Alienation
D150 Creep Your Way to Promotion
D160 Feigning Knowledge – (A Career Advancement Strategy)
D170 Carrying Paper Whilst Walking Briskly
D180 Keeping Facts Out of the Management Structure
D190 Effective Stupidity
D210 How to Appear Interested (Pre-Requisite to D160)
D220 How to Create Problems
D230 Planning without Forethought (Senior military and SCS)
D245 Dumb Insolence – A Practitioners Guide
D250 Speed Reading without Comprehension
D260 Agreeing with the Boss - Includes practical exercises in nodding with an Understanding Look

Business and Career Development Courses
C115 Mis-Understanding Abbreviations – A Beginners Guide
C125 Prominence Through Under Achievements
C135 Making Purchases With Someone Else’s GPC
C145 Instilling Panic in Others – (To be taken in conjunction with D230)
C155 } Indecision – Which Way Now? (Please be sure to book
C159 } appropriate course to your grade)
C165 Backstabbing – An Introduction

E-Learning
E177 It Was’t me! – (A Guide to Blame)
E186 Cover My Back – (How to Drag Friends in on Your Mistakes)
E189 I’m Sick – (How to Call in With a Croaky Voice)
E193 It’s Not My Job! - (An Introduction in How to Get Others to do Your Work)

Heath and Safety Courses
H217 How to De-Dandruff Your Keyboard
H250 Developing Eyestrain
H350 How to Continue to Lift Incorrectly – (Annual requirement & Pre-Requisite to H422)
H422 Industrial Injury – The Way to Long Term Leave with Pay
H501 How to De-Frost the Office Fridge

The medical school decided to stream applicants with an entrance exam.
One question required the candidates to re-arrange some random letters to spell a part of the human body. 

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors; the rest are in Parliament.

Monica Lewinsky was getting depressed over her inability to lose weight.

"I wish" she thought to herself "I wish I could get rid of those love handles"

Hmmm ??   she would look strange with no ears.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"