Best Jokes (continues)

Let us hope that's what happens to Dave and Nick in 2015 : )

My doctor says I should watch what I eat.

I normally don't watch Channel 4 but they have 4 races from Newbury tomorrow  

I went to a top end restaurant last evening & was shocked so much that I walked out.

They were serving hors d'œuvre. 

MENSA INVITATIONAL

The  Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it  by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter,  and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.):  The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

2.  Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxication :  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with..

4.  Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,  shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6.  Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 

7.  Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8 Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person  who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.  Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.  Glibido : All talk and no action. 

14.  Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

15.  Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16   Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.  Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The  Washington Post has also published the winning  submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1.  Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 

2.  Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.  Abdicate, v. To  give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5  Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receeding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 

13.  Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 

14.  Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Gondolier: Something you catch from a boatman

Urethra: A soul singer who takes the piss     

Mish-mash: To be late for chapel due to drunkenness     

Encyclopedia: To be sexually attracted to small bikes

Arsenic: I've just sat on a razor blade

Courtesy of "I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue".

http://www.g0akh.f2s.com/isiha...Definitions_Page.php

I just found a stray horse in my back garden. Findus Keepers!

thanks for making me laugh so much Tony... !

enjoy

ken

The reason women ask so many questions is because they have an extra why chromosome.

How the word Boob was invented

Top View  Front View  Side View 

---- B ---------- oo ---------- b -----

I thought it was because of the extra 'WHY' chromosome Mike.

In Lasagne there is a silent "g".

In a Findus Lasagne there is a silent gee gee.

Why do you ask Steve,  why question WHY or why,  why do you contradict everything I say, whats wrong with why,  why is WHY better than why, why don't you accept WHY is really why.  And why is why (or WHY) not spelt "Y"  or "y",   why not ?? why ???

Findus Scandal Headline  - 'Frozen meat importers to face more hurdles'.

+1

steve

Horses for courses.