Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by Tony Lockhart
A cricket bat and one baseball bat behind the door, a revolver by his bed, and a machine gun by the window.....
Crikey, I thought I was being adventurous with a pair of handcuffs and a strap on!
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by Chris Dolan
Breaking Sky News: Mancini sacked.
A Man City spokesman has stated they had to move swiftly once the Pope became available as they now need a miracle!
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by BigH47
Oscar took the phrase "taking your girl friend out for Valentines" a little too literally!
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by Steve J
Originally Posted by Chris Dolan:
Breaking Sky News: Mancini sacked.
A Man City spokesman has stated they had to move swiftly once the Pope became available as they now need a miracle!
I can't believe you posted this just after I congratulated your result in Madrid. I thought we were mates? 
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by lutyens
Originally Posted by Russ:
George,
Funny. This one is not a joke but my wife, who is a vegetarian, and I went into a little South Texas greasy spoon Mom and Pop cafe once. She ordered a salad and I asked if there was any meat in it. The waitress said no. When it came, it was swimming in real bacon bits. I pointed it out to the waitress and she said: "That ain't meat--it's just bacon."
Best regards,
Russ
well i had much the same happen to me, having asked for a hamburger and asking to make sure there was no cheese with it, it duly arrived with cheese. When questioned the good waitress retorted that it wasn't cheese it was cheddar! At the time i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.......now i think she may have had a point!
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by Chris Dolan
Originally Posted by Steve J:
Originally Posted by Chris Dolan:
Breaking Sky News: Mancini sacked.
A Man City spokesman has stated they had to move swiftly once the Pope became available as they now need a miracle!
I can't believe you posted this just after I congratulated your result in Madrid. I thought we were mates?
It was your post that reminded me!! I got a text of that joke while I was sitting outside a bar in Madrid yesterday lunchtime. 
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by Bart
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the northern pip of Newfoundland.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by Tony Lockhart
What's black, bushy and found in a school girl's knickers?
Kevin Webster's moustache.
Posted on: 14 February 2013 by chimp
Posted on: 15 February 2013 by naim_nymph
Last night i dreamt i eat a huge marshmallow.
When I woke up my pillow had gone.
Posted on: 15 February 2013 by Salmon Dave
Originally Posted by Bart:
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the northern pip of Newfoundland.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2eUopy9sd8
Posted on: 15 February 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
Posted on: 15 February 2013 by BigH47
Tesco are now testing all of their veggie burgers for traces of uniquorn.
Stolen from twitter.
Posted on: 15 February 2013 by Tony Lockhart
My flat is full of Valentine's cards.
I'm not a stud.
I'm a lazy bastard postman.
Posted on: 15 February 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Weatherfield mechanic destroys 10 year old Mercedes rim after hard run up dirt track with punctured rubber.
Posted on: 15 February 2013 by Reginald Halliday
Eskimo asks wife "What's for dinnner?"
"Vera Lynn" she replies.
"Oh not whale meat again!" moans eskimo.
Posted on: 15 February 2013 by Tony Lockhart
It seems the news is getting meatier and meteor.
Posted on: 16 February 2013 by Tony Lockhart
My wife needs a bloody good slap.
But to be honest, I'm enjoying watching her choke on the bread roll far too much.
Posted on: 17 February 2013 by Mike-B
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets ???
Posted on: 17 February 2013 by Mike-B
Do agnostic, dyslexic insomniacs lie awake all night wondering if there was a Dog ???
Posted on: 17 February 2013 by Mike-B
Is an eskimo's house with no bathroom an Ig ???.
Posted on: 17 February 2013 by Mike-B
Decipher this this message from MI6 to KGB - S370HSSV 0773H
Answers on rice paper with invisible ink
Posted on: 17 February 2013 by bazz
200 crows are found dead alongside a highway in the outback. Fearing a new outbreak of avian influenza the government hires an expert to investigate. The expert reports that all of the deaths were in fact caused by vehicular impacts, and, by establishing the degree of trauma, that 98% of the fatalities were caused by trucks and only 2% by cars.
A research ornithologist was despatched to find a reason for the discrepancy. After a brief study the ornithologist reported that: "Crows always post a lookout in a nearby tree to watch for danger while their compatriots feast on road kill. When danger approaches the lookout calls "Cah", but the species has not yet learnt to call "Truck"
Posted on: 17 February 2013 by Donuk
Originally Posted by Mike-B:
Decipher this this message from MI6 to KGB - S370HSSV 0773H
Answers on rice paper with invisible ink
Easier for our antipodean readers
Don sunny downtown York
Posted on: 17 February 2013 by Chris Dolan
Not on an iPad though Don.
