Best Jokes (continues)

Been watching QI re-runs then Tony? 

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About €10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs €10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at €900. In one year, it would be €10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend €10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at €162,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your f**king Ferrari then?

touchingly romantic

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text

...... "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

He replied........ "I'm taking a shit. What should I do?"

http://www.varietyvideosllc.com/about2.html dwarf car build

The answer to annoying mobile phones.

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:- "Hi darling, it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30, not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss - no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

Could work!

https://forums.naimaudio.com/di...99#24515583806017599

Now - quoting your own quoted "jokes".

just back from holiday and had a few of mista H posts to put up for him !!

https://forums.naimaudio.com/di...73#22826037096722873

Well - don't.

It might be better if he stuck them up himself.

Difficult to see why many people wouldn't take offence at this casual racism - that you find funny.

And - do not 'blame' Mr H.

https://forums.naimaudio.com/di...92#22826037043621392

I've removed this.  I agree with Adam.  If ripping off the Wurzels wasn't offensive enough...

My wife and I were on holiday and after a few sambucas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the a*se.

I was so relieved, there was no way I could get another 8 pouches of Golden Virginia in the case.

You Had One Job

http://hadonejob.com/

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

Leather Dresses – (And Why Guys Like Them)

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry, He gets weak in the knees, And he begins to think totally irrationally.

Ever stop to wonder why?

Well… It's because she smells like a new car!!!

I had a job interview the other day, and the potential employer asked the question I'm sure everyone dreads;

"What, would others say, is the worst thing about yourself?"

I simply said 

"My honesty"

to which he replied,

"I wouldn't think that's a bad thing, would you?"

so I said,

"I couldn't give a f*ck what you think!"

Tesco have changed the cheese in their lasagne to Maskapony

After an intense scientific investigation costing millions, scientists have finally found one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to prolong your life.

Birthdays.....seems the more you have the longer you live

My neighbour is overweight,alcoholic & a transvestite.

All he wants to do was eat,drink and be Mary.

Paul, you've got more repeats then Sky! And not that long ago either.

https://forums.naimaudio.com/di...878604220822/page/81