Best Jokes (continues)

Apologies to GLM et al, I've slept since then !

I think Sir Alex Ferguson could do with a holiday... I've heard you can't beat Madrid this time of year Fergie?

My grandmother has been told by the council that she has to downsize or pay extra for the spare bedrooms.
 
She really doesn't need all this at the moment, she's only just recovering from gastroenteritis.

At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled...

"Would all married men, please stand up next to the one person who has made your life worth living"

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

The Girls Diary

Saw him last evening and he was acting really strangely. 
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. 
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. 
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. 
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong. 

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated but followed. 
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. 
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. 
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else. 

The Guys Diary

Man U lost to Madrid - F###ing Gutted.
Got a shag though.

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you!

Goes in dry, comes out wet

The longer it's in the stronger it gets
It comes out dripping & it starts to sag
It's not what you think it is, it's a Tetley tea bag

Moses goes climbs to the top of Mt Sinai to talk to God

"Lord, what is a million years to you?"

"ONE MINUTE"

"Lord, what is a million shekels to you?"

"ONE GROTE"

"Lord can you give my people a shekel?"

"IN A MINUTE"

The difference between catholic & jewish wives is that catholic's have real orgasms and fake jewellery. 

Sorry, can't keep up with the waterfall of humour of late (hence Tony's comment below).

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