Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
From the Australian Association Of Retired People
Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstore under 'fiction'.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses.
Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A
n their foreheads.
Q:Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?
A: Nudity
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A:"Gosh, I remember these!"
I wonder if Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce are one of those annoying couples that finish each other's sentences.
These comments are taking the Pistorius
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius. --
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints. --
Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend. Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres. --
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed. --
I guess Oscar Pistorius just got cold feet about the relationship --
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs. --
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson? --
What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?... 20 years. --
Shame about Oscar Pistorius the man had the world at his knees. --
It must have been dark when Oscar Pitorius shot his girlfriend. He said he could not see two feet in front of him --
and the Oscar goes to ......(drumroll)...... JAIL --
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument. --
A young woman is dead and the up and coming athlete Oscar Pistorious' life is ruined and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic. --
Oscar Pistorius 'shoots girlfriend' This is the sort of behaviour from celebrities that we need to stump out. --
Just like every other intruder in South Africa, Reeva Steenkamp was blonde, white and beautiful It's an easy mistake.
KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' The son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
BBC NEWS
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October from 72 to 54.
A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called “Bomb Jovi”.
They were brilliant. Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble all kicked off...
The Importance of walking Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My Dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$1,000." The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
Its called a Barka