Best Jokes (continues)

I was at work this morning, stacking boxes of soap powder when my new girlfriend came walking down the aisle of the supermarket.
She looked at me, puzzled.
She said “You told me you were an aerobatic stunt pilot”
I replied” No I didn’t, I told you I was part of the Ariel display team”

Surely, my friend, that is the worst joke ever.

Ever

Archeologists have found a new tomb in Egypt.

Upon opening the sarcophagus they found traces of nuts and chocolate on the mummy.

They think they may have found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

OMG tony, thats so funny

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

(You're going to love this, and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

They're back!

Those wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus walks on the water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’.

A nice little fairy story for you.

This was originally shown on BBC TV ? ...back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a s****** (though God knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shut. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived her life with a follen swanny!

Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Feb. 25, 2013

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. (Wait till you see the last one)!

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He says, "What are you doing Father?"

"It's called masturbating,” the priest replied,

"You'll be doing this soon."

"Why Father?" he asked

"Because my wrist is killing me,” the priest replied.

Chilli Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember 
that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
 
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes 
she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the 
insurance money!"


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow 
job I promised you?"


 "Well, here it comes..."

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,

'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age; we were the same sizes kids,

I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm ... how do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat ‘em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.

You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,

'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.

"Genuine complaints to Thomas Cook Holidays. I may have posted these a while back,if i have i`m sure megadeath will let us know."

Weird how weird time warp thing - the thing. All things will pass - what is them will be now - only funnier.

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump sh1t out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

The Man Rulesュュュュュュュュュュュュュュュュュュュ > >>

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down > >>

Finally , the guys' side of the story. > >>

( I must admit, it's pretty good.) > >>

We always hear ' the rules ' > >>

From the female side. > >>

Now here are the rules from the male side. > >> > >>

These are our rules! > >>

Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' > >>

ON PURPOSE! > >>

1. Men are NOT mind readers. > >> > >>

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. > >>

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. > >>

We need it up, you need it down. > >>

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. > >> > >>

1. Sunday sports : It's like the full moon > >>

or the changing of the tides. > >>

Let it be. > >> > >>

1. Crying is blackmail. > >> > >>

1. Ask for what you want. > >>

Let us be clear on this one: > >>

Subtle hints do not work! > >>

Strong hints do not work! > >>

Obvious hints do not work! > >>

Just say it! > >> > >>

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. > >> > >>

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's > >>

what we do. > >>

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. > >> > >> > >>

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. > >>

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. > >> > >> > >>

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. > >>

Don't ask us. > >> > >>

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the > >>

ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one > >> > >>

1. You can either ask us to do something > >>

Or tell us how you want it done. > >>

Not both. > >>

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. > >> > >>

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during > >>

commercials.. > >> > >>

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. > >> > >>

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. > >>

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. > >>

We have no idea what mauve is. > >> > >>

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. > >>

We do that. > >> > >>

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like > >>

nothing's wrong. > >>

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. > >> > >>

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer > >>

you don't want to hear. > >> > >>

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is > >>

fine... Really . > >> > >>

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to > >>

discuss such topics as baseball , or Football, > >>

or golf, or Sex . > >> > >>

1. You have enough clothes. > >> > >>

1. You have too many shoes. > >> > >>

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! > >> > >>

1. Thank you for reading this. > >>

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; > >> > >> > >>

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. > >>