Best Jokes (continues)

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes !"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes ! Yes ! I won !, I won !" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching..."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men... are men !

At any given moment :

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."

Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."

"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time.

He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop."

She says "OK, what's the safety word?"

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine . both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930s, 40s, 50s, and 60s

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags if our parents had a car! We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nando’s. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy toffees, gobstoppers and bubble gum.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, milk from the cow and drank soft drinks with sugar in them, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars. We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/DVD films, or colour TV; no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms......... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT!

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating. We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.

Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Abe visits his doctor for a routine examination and gets the devastating news that he is mortally ill, with no treatment possible, and that he will die within a day. He goes home, tells his wife, Sarah, and after they have absorbed the shock of the terrible news, Abe says to Sarah,

 

 “Since it is my last night, Sarah, do you think we could go to bed and fool around?”

 

 “Of course,” says Sarah. And so they do.

 

Later, at about 1 A.M., Abe wakes up, prods Sarah, and asks,

 

“Do you think we could do it again?”

 

 “Certainly, Abe, it’s your last night.”

 

And so they do. At 3 <small>A.M.</small> Abe is awake again, and again he asks Sarah for her attentions.

 

 “For God’s sake, Abe, you don’t have to get up in the morning.”

absolutely not Frank, i am just being fed a lot of stuff from MistaH and then reposting.

No one can surpass Tony

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress, thinking this was a bit risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

"Be very, very quiet ..... I'm hunting meals-on-wheels! Shhhhhh!!" Don't you just love this picture?

I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid having sex, like;

"I'm tired,

I'm washing my hair,

I've got a headache,

I'm your sister...

I once knew a drugged-up dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs

She was known as oral high Jean.

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.

Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.

Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!

When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston , we have a problem!"

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ’drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, ex-Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for the UK and Europe.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. 

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize, and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kirkcaldy High School , God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.

I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.

I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all. Sincerely, Isa.

Stop already!!!!!!

I think the world's been a bit harsh on Lance Armstrong. Let's not forget what an achievement it was winning those races whilst using drugs. When I was on drugs I couldn't even FIND my bike!