Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 12 March 2009 by ewemon
Two eggs in a pan of boling water.
One says "I can feel a crack opening up" to which the other replies "Hang on I am not even hard yet."
One says "I can feel a crack opening up" to which the other replies "Hang on I am not even hard yet."
Posted on: 13 March 2009 by Scorpio1
Black Testicles…
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
Posted on: 14 March 2009 by Reginald Halliday
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to f#ck off.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to f#ck off.
Posted on: 15 March 2009 by rodwsmith
Q. What's the difference between Gordon Brown and Bernard Madoff?
A. One is a liar who took people's money under the promise of safe and improved future returns, basing fake prosperity on the erroneous continued sustainability of an inherently flawed economic system. The other is Bernard Madoff.
A. One is a liar who took people's money under the promise of safe and improved future returns, basing fake prosperity on the erroneous continued sustainability of an inherently flawed economic system. The other is Bernard Madoff.
Posted on: 16 March 2009 by Reginald Halliday
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door the trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.'
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. And as if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window again she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light when he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says........
Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a flipping gritter ok!
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door the trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.'
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. And as if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window again she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light when he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says........
Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a flipping gritter ok!
Posted on: 16 March 2009 by Adam Meredith
Posted on: 16 March 2009 by Reginald Halliday
quote:Originally posted by Adam Meredith:
http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/5801938...852927717#3852927717
Pardon me. I feel so gauche
Posted on: 16 March 2009 by tonym
Halfords customer: Hello, I'd like some small bulbs for my car please.
Salesman: Of course sir. What model would that be?
Customer: A Ford Crocus.
Salesman: Of course sir. What model would that be?
Customer: A Ford Crocus.
Posted on: 16 March 2009 by tonym
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. Looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. Looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
Posted on: 16 March 2009 by Jono 13
A lovely image a dead dullard.
Jono
Jono
Posted on: 19 March 2009 by Paper Plane
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says 'F*** me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says 'F*** me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
Posted on: 22 March 2009 by Bananahead
THE TAXMAN COMETH
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
Posted on: 23 March 2009 by rodwsmith
A man rings up his dentist and asks how much it would cost to have a tooth removed.
"£1500" replies the receptionist.
"Blimey, thats a bit expensive" he says "how about you don't serve a coffee or play a video in the surgery when you remove the tooth?"
"Ok - we could do that for £1300."
"Still a bit expensive - do you have a trainee who could do it as practise?"
"Well, we have a first year dental student on work experience, who could do with his first removal - we could do it for £1100."
"Umm, still a bit much. What about you don't put the gum coating antiseptic on, and make do without the gargle?"
"We wouldn't recommend that, but we could cut the price to £900"
"Getting there, but just a bit too much still. How about you just cut out the local anaesthetic, I know it would hurt, but this tooth has got to come out"
"Ok - if we cut out the anaesthetic, the gel and the gargle, have the work experience student do the operation without TV and a coffee before, we could do it for £700"
"Brilliant" says the man "can I book my wife in then please?"
"£1500" replies the receptionist.
"Blimey, thats a bit expensive" he says "how about you don't serve a coffee or play a video in the surgery when you remove the tooth?"
"Ok - we could do that for £1300."
"Still a bit expensive - do you have a trainee who could do it as practise?"
"Well, we have a first year dental student on work experience, who could do with his first removal - we could do it for £1100."
"Umm, still a bit much. What about you don't put the gum coating antiseptic on, and make do without the gargle?"
"We wouldn't recommend that, but we could cut the price to £900"
"Getting there, but just a bit too much still. How about you just cut out the local anaesthetic, I know it would hurt, but this tooth has got to come out"
"Ok - if we cut out the anaesthetic, the gel and the gargle, have the work experience student do the operation without TV and a coffee before, we could do it for £700"
"Brilliant" says the man "can I book my wife in then please?"
Posted on: 27 March 2009 by tonym
Some alternative definitions :-
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown..
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Kingdom, n. A royal contraceptive.
18. Dynamite, n. To take a flea out to lunch.
19.Countryside, n. To kill Piers Morgan.
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown..
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Kingdom, n. A royal contraceptive.
18. Dynamite, n. To take a flea out to lunch.
19.Countryside, n. To kill Piers Morgan.
Posted on: 27 March 2009 by JWM
In the words of the late, great Brian Johnson, "Oh stop it, Aggers...!"
I've got a slipped disc and the humour's making me cry...
On the subject of flabberghasted, I've discovered the purpose of too much tum - makes a good laptop platform when flat on the back...
James
I've got a slipped disc and the humour's making me cry...
On the subject of flabberghasted, I've discovered the purpose of too much tum - makes a good laptop platform when flat on the back...
James
Posted on: 27 March 2009 by Bob McC
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION
You are in England , somewhere in the North West .
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.....Somehow, the man looks familiar.....
You suddenly realise who it is.....It's Sir Alex Ferguson!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Sir Alex or can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of football's most successful managers.
THE QUESTION
Here's the question and please give an honest answer.....
Would you select red eye reduction mode or not use the flash setting at all?
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION
You are in England , somewhere in the North West .
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.....Somehow, the man looks familiar.....
You suddenly realise who it is.....It's Sir Alex Ferguson!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Sir Alex or can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of football's most successful managers.
THE QUESTION
Here's the question and please give an honest answer.....
Would you select red eye reduction mode or not use the flash setting at all?
Posted on: 25 April 2009 by tonym
Posted on: 26 April 2009 by Richard S
THE THREE-KICK RULE
>
> A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He
> shot and
> dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on
> the other side of a fence.
>
> As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
> drove up on
> his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
>
> The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in
> this field, and
> now I'm going to retrieve it."
>
> The old farmer replied, "This is my property, so that
> duck belongs to me."
>
> The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
> attorneys in
> the United States and, if you don't let me get that
> duck, I'll sue you
> and take everything you own."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
> don't know how we
> settle disputes in Nebraska. We settle small disagreements
> with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
>
> The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
>
> The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred
> on my land, I
> get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick
> me three times
> and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
>
> The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
> decided
> that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
> abide by the local custom.
>
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
> walked up to
> the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
> steel toed work boot
> into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
> His second kick to
> the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
> his mouth.
> The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
> kick to his rear
> end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
>
> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to
> get to his feet.
>
> Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
> "O'kay, you old
> fart. Now it's my turn."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You
> can have the duck."
>
> A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He
> shot and
> dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on
> the other side of a fence.
>
> As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
> drove up on
> his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
>
> The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in
> this field, and
> now I'm going to retrieve it."
>
> The old farmer replied, "This is my property, so that
> duck belongs to me."
>
> The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
> attorneys in
> the United States and, if you don't let me get that
> duck, I'll sue you
> and take everything you own."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
> don't know how we
> settle disputes in Nebraska. We settle small disagreements
> with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
>
> The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
>
> The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred
> on my land, I
> get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick
> me three times
> and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
>
> The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
> decided
> that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
> abide by the local custom.
>
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
> walked up to
> the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
> steel toed work boot
> into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
> His second kick to
> the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
> his mouth.
> The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
> kick to his rear
> end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
>
> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to
> get to his feet.
>
> Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
> "O'kay, you old
> fart. Now it's my turn."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You
> can have the duck."
Posted on: 26 April 2009 by Consciousmess
Good joke, Richard S and I've just noticed that you come from Northwich, Cheshire!!
I've recently moved down from Northwich (lived in Wincham for 10 years, followed by Hartford 4 years).
Small world eh?!!
Jon
I've recently moved down from Northwich (lived in Wincham for 10 years, followed by Hartford 4 years).
Small world eh?!!
Jon
Posted on: 26 April 2009 by Richard S
Indeed it is, but as Steven Wright said; "I wouldn't want to paint it...!"
For what it's worth I live in Hartford and go to Wincham to watch Witton Albion, sadly relegated from the Unibond Premier yesterday.
Regards
Richard
For what it's worth I live in Hartford and go to Wincham to watch Witton Albion, sadly relegated from the Unibond Premier yesterday.
Regards
Richard
Posted on: 28 April 2009 by BigH47
Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms. The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?
Daffy replies…..
Don’t be thucking thtupid I’d thufficate
Daffy replies…..
Don’t be thucking thtupid I’d thufficate
Posted on: 01 May 2009 by roger poll
A stranger to the city walks up to a local and says, " excuse me is there a B&Q in Leicester. The local thinks for a moment, and says,"I don't think so but lets see, there's an l and an e and an i........
Posted on: 01 May 2009 by Steve O
I had a phone call from the wife earlier today. She was in tears because she'd run out of petrol and was too scared to go to the garage to fill up. I said to her "You stupid cow! You're to stay away from Mexico, not Texaco!"
Posted on: 01 May 2009 by Steve O
I walked past my fridge earlier and could have sworn I heard one of the onions singing a Bee Gees song.
I opened the fridge door to check but it was just a chive talkin'.
I opened the fridge door to check but it was just a chive talkin'.
Posted on: 01 May 2009 by fixedwheel
quote:Originally posted by BigH47:
Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms. The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?
Daffy replies…..
Don’t be thucking thtupid I’d thufficate
Simple, but absolutely bloody brilliant!!
Cheers BigH
John