Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 22 March 2013 by full ahead
Live from an ATM in Cyprus
Posted on: 22 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Girl: What colour are my eyes?
Guy: 34C.
Posted on: 22 March 2013 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Frank F:
"I was referring to H being a cunning linguist ( ala blackadder)"
And James Bond as well but I can't remember in which movie Miss moneypenny said it??
FF
Thanks for the correction, knew i'd heard it somewhere, wont try and guess which one as i will probably be wrong again
Posted on: 23 March 2013 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Frank F:
Originally Posted by Cbr600:
Originally Posted by Frank F:
"I was referring to H being a cunning linguist ( ala blackadder)"
And James Bond as well but I can't remember in which movie Miss moneypenny said it??
FF
Thanks for the correction, knew i'd heard it somewhere, wont try and guess which one as i will probably be wrong again
Someone must know this??
Anyway CBR 600 thanks to whoever comes up with it - or am I allowed to say Messy Buckets??!!
I thunk you fronk !
I recall it was a pierce brosnan film and he was brushing up on a little Russian !
Posted on: 23 March 2013 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Cbr600:
Originally Posted by Frank F:
Originally Posted by Cbr600:
Originally Posted by Frank F:
"I was referring to H being a cunning linguist ( ala blackadder)"
And James Bond as well but I can't remember in which movie Miss moneypenny said it??
FF
Thanks for the correction, knew i'd heard it somewhere, wont try and guess which one as i will probably be wrong again
Someone must know this??
Anyway CBR 600 thanks to whoever comes up with it - or am I allowed to say Messy Buckets??!!
I thunk you fronk !
I recall it was a pierce brosnan film and he was brushing up on a little Russian !
Tomorrow never dies?
Posted on: 23 March 2013 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by mista h:
As this is THE JOKES thread,joke of the day has got to be the news of West Ham moving to the Olympic stadium....Bet our Kevin is a happy chappy tonite(not)
Mista H
Ho, not really happy at all, Mista! 
Posted on: 23 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had
He started counting and then fell asleep.
Posted on: 23 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
New detective series starting 22/7.
Magnum Pi.
Posted on: 24 March 2013 by Martin_C
Posted on: 24 March 2013 by Paper Plane
I recently bought a reflective waistcoat...
It just sits in the corner reading works by Proust and Descartes.
steve
Posted on: 24 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
My mate said that onions were the only food that made him cry.
So I threw a coconut in his face.
Posted on: 24 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 24 March 2013 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I guess its the same on all forums 
Posted on: 24 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
I wonder if Woody & Buzz ever met Andy's mum's toys.
I bet they have the same names....
Posted on: 24 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
I sat on my hand for fifteen minutes earlier, before hoovering the living room.
Just so it felt like the wife was doing it.
Posted on: 25 March 2013 by tonym
I treated my last patient of the day, closed the surgery and walked into town for a quick pint.
As I ordered a drink, a man collapsed at the other end of the bar, having a heart attack.
His wife panicked, and in tears shouted, "Is there a doctor in the house?"
Unfortunately for the man, there was nothing I could do to save him.
If she'd asked if there was a doctor in the pub, my pedantry wouldn't have even come into it.
Posted on: 25 March 2013 by Cbr600
My Final Will !!
I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"
SHE Shouted BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "
Posted on: 25 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
My grandfather told me he killed thousands in the second world war.
He was a plumber for the German government.
Posted on: 25 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Carol Vorderman fell down some stairs and broke her nose.
On the way down she hit 4 from the top and 2 from the bottom.
Posted on: 25 March 2013 by Tony Lockhart
Me and my girlfriend love playing point and click games.
I point, click, and she makes me a ****ing sandwich.
Posted on: 26 March 2013 by Komet
"I was referring to H being a cunning linguist ( ala blackadder)"
And James Bond as well but I can't remember in which movie Miss moneypenny said it??
Yes it was Tomorrow Never Dies.
Posted on: 26 March 2013 by Cbr600
Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions |
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Our Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
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Posted on: 26 March 2013 by Cbr600
stimulating the economy
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go toMexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan orKorea ..
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go toTaiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.
No need to thank me, I'm just doing my bit for the economy. |
Posted on: 26 March 2013 by Cbr600
Posted on: 26 March 2013 by Maxi Me
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I wonder if Woody & Buzz ever met Andy's mum's toys. I bet they have the same names....
:-)
