Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I treated my last patient of the day, closed the surgery and walked into town for a quick pint.
As I ordered a drink, a man collapsed at the other end of the bar, having a heart attack.
His wife panicked, and in tears shouted, "Is there a doctor in the house?"
Unfortunately for the man, there was nothing I could do to save him.
If she'd asked if there was a doctor in the pub, my pedantry wouldn't have even come into it.
Typical doctor, so wrapped up in abbreviations that they've forgotten "pub" is short for "public house"!
i thought it was something you shouted at Bingo !
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire-fighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the fire-fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Okay.........here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working.
Which one do you think is the blonde?
Scroll down.... Amazing I did not see it before..
The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.
That's OK I did not Pass the test EITHER!!!!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
THREE MINISTERS
<tt>"Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist, were all on a sea criuse with their wives, when a tidal wave swamped the ship and they were all swept to their reward in the next life.</tt><tt>Standing before St. Peter, the Presbyterian and his wife saw St. Peter shake his head.</tt><tt>"I can't let you in. You were upright, but you loved money too much.</tt><tt>So much, that you even married a woman named Penny."</tt><tt>St. Peter waved his hand and down the chute they went to the 'Other Place'.</tt><tt>Next was the Methodist.</tt><tt>"Sorry, can't let you in either," said St. Peter.</tt><tt>"You abstained from liquor, dancing and cards, but you loved food too much!</tt><tt>So much so that you even married a woman named Candy!"</tt><tt>St. Peter waved again, and down the chute went the Methodists.</tt><tt>The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny"</tt>
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.
It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
Now we know where Naim got the inspiration for its original logo !!
UK Weather
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )
The last time the average temperature was so low at this time of year was 1962.
That makes it the coldest March since Beatles records began
Presumably it will be part of the next Orifice suite.
My wife asked me if I'd like to make love to her this morning. I said that if she didn't mind I'd rather wait until Sunday when I'd rise again.
(with apologies to those of a religious disposition)
Tony,
Reminds me of the gynaecologist who'd had a hard day in the orifice.
Steve
Sound only
The guy is brilliant,he has done several similar calls.
2 worth searching out on You Tube are
1/ Asda prank call
2/ Walmart customers....these come in all shapes and sizes and most aint got a clue how to dress when they go out shopping.
Mista h