Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
The word 'shark' was coined in 1549 when English sailor William Michael Griffen saw a great-white swimming towards him and in sheer panic tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.
This Rolf Harris thing brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Do you know what it is yet?"
steve
Rolf Harris:
Is the questioning about two little boys?
Debs
The word 'shark' was coined in 1549 when English sailor William Michael Griffen saw a great-white swimming towards him and in sheer panic tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.
Somebody listens to Radio 4...
steve 
For sale
1 speedboat, in need of repair
A few holes to fill
Collect from boston suburb
Bilo Baggins was found dead at home with an erection!
Apparently, old hobbits die hard.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it Is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Tricia. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
What a fantastic post sniper,if you have any more like this lets have em.
Mista h
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Liverpool's new kit
The little ball from Texas!!!
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car. I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: The car isn't washed The bills aren't paid There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to. Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
In light of the recent events in Korea,
the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "**** Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!”
Pithy sayings
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu *****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman *****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr *****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor *****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip *****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. *****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford *****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan **** *
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall *****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand. *****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden *** **
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz *****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson *****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C Clarke *****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin *****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante *****
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn *****
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright *****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts *****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport ~ Jonathan Winters
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the *******'s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.