Best Jokes (continues)

for sale on ebay.... 51,000 arsenal flags for sale - immaculate condition only 11 mins use.

My sat navs playing up....every time i punch in - STAMFORD BRIDGE. I get 2 mins from ROME !

Ha f$%king ha!!!

Glad to be of service BigH.

"Bees up, Luton down!"

Brentford supporters chant to Luton, to the tune of "Knees Up Mother Brown".

Well I thought it was funny...

A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs she could do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded,'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled Husband asked.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, 'the blond added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

Hongi, the Maori builder, was going through a house he had just built for a lady owner and she was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

The builder nodded, then went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN ON TOP!'

Then he went back into the house. She went into the next room and said 'I want this room to be painted bright red.'

The builder nodded, went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN ON TOP!' then came back inside again.
They continued on to the next room. 'I want this room to be painted tan..............' Hongi responded in the same way.
By the time Hongi came back the lady was pretty curious, so she said 'I keep telling you different colours, but all you do is go out the front and yell "green on top: are you sure you know what you are doing?"

The builder said, 'Oh don't worry about that; it's nothing to do with the colour scheme - I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front.'

A rich man living in Darwin decided that
he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and
neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host
said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give
a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey
was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the
croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
of shit , like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the
tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like
a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey
then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I
owe you a million dollars."
Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
"Again Geoffrey said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?"
Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the prick who pushed me in the Pool.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi..

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Heard the one about the gay cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sherriff?
He came within 6 inches of the law.

What's the difference between Dirty Harry and Gay sex?
One promises to make your day, the other makes your whole week.

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his
testicles -- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing
that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect
breasts. He approaches her and says, "Miss, would you let me bite
ye breasts for £ 100? "
"Are you nuts?!!!"she replies, and keeps walking. He turns around,
runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let
me bite ye breasts for £ 1,000 ?" he asks.
"Listen; I'm not that kind of a woman, get away from me!" she screams.
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would
you let me bite ye breasts just once for £ 10,000 ?"
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, £ 10,000 ; O.K.,
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there "
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees
them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them
slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting
them. The woman finally
gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much


Tony

Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"We are here in Australia and there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?"
asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you, little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian, I was attacked by two f$%kin' Arabs..."

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his winky.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift
itself."

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts....

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women frequently complain about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Are they called iTits?

If I was of a latin background I might refer to one as I-Mama!

Q. Why don't boxers have sex the night before a match?

A. Because they hate each other.

One Naimist and one Linnist are lost in the desert, they are dehydrated and on the point to lose consciousness. They beg the Lord to have one last favor before passing out.

The good Lord appears to the two desperate guys, and give them both the choices of listening to their favorite tune one last time, or to go at an oasis where there's a water source.

Feeling his death coming, the Naimist says "Music comes first!", God says OK and flick his thumb, the Naimist's sound system appears, play his favorite tune, and the Naimist die.

Seeing what just happened to his companion, the Linnist says "Source comes first!", God says OK and flick his thumb, the Linnist let go a "oh f*ck me" when he sees his sound system appears...

Bye.

Not sure if this is allegorical or for real, thought I'd share it though...

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

This is a conversation which was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .

The conversation went like this.....


Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'




Air Defense Radar: (no response ....... total silence)

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Old but relevant.

"Hey Teddy, What if I'm pregnant?"

"Don't worry Mary-Joe, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Voted best joke at Edinburgh festival this year-
Hedgehogs, why can't they just share the hedge?