Best Jokes (continues)

 Question: How do you tell  the difference between a British Police Officer, an  Australian Police Officer and an American Police  Officer?

Answer: First - Lets pose  the following question: You're on duty by  yourself walking on a deserted street late at  night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes  around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams  obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.  You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert  shot, however you have only a split second to react  before he reaches you. What do you do?  

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER: Firstly the  officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does  the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly  arrived in this country and does not yet understand the  law?

3) Have I ever done anything to him that would  inspire him to attack?

4) Am I dressed  provocatively?

5) Could I run away?

6) Could I  possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife  out of his hand?

7) Should I try and negotiate with  him to discuss his wrong doings?

8) Does the Glock  have appropriate safety built into it?

9) Why am I  carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message  does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely  want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound  me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on,  would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I  raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed  if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?  .

13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the  subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to  sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of  my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:  BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE  OFFICER: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  'click'.... (Sergeant arrives at scene later and  remarks: 'Nice grouping’!)

  IF WOMEN  ONLY TRUSTED THEIR  HUSBANDS!      

There comes a time when  a woman just has to trust her  husband...  

For  example...  A wife comes home late  at night, and quietly opens the door to her  bedroom.   

  From under the blanket  she sees four legs instead of  two.      

She reaches for a  baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as  hard as she can.      

Leaving the covered  bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have  a drink.      

As she enters, she sees  her husband there, reading a  magazine.      

"Hi Darling", he says,  "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let  them stay in our bedroom.

 Did you say  "hello"?

Are you on the right thread Rupert?

If not you need one of these;

In car record player used in John Lennon's Rolls Royce Phantom.

But a full size Glock holds 15 rounds 

He had already used 3 on a passing cat!

Sniper,

not sure if its sad that you actualy counted the number of bangs, or scary that you know the clip size !

Subject: Fwd: Navy Retirement Bonus  

RETIREMENT BONUS.......... If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. 

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,  'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,  ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''. 

I know its an old one, but posted anyway

Ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman. 'Hiya, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English *****.

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doing all right.'

Welshman: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep.

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Welshman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Welshman: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar......!!..

THe story of Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.

'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. '

OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!

But, as we say in Wales after the 30-3 win at the Millenium Stadium, we'll always **** anything in white!!!

Touche

Knowing the max number of rounds a weapon can hold  and counting the number of bangs can save your life - old habits die hard 

Glad you can count then, good to read your post, and photos

An American, an Australian and a German walk into a bar. The American greets the bartender and says "I'll have a Budweiser please." The Australian says "I'll have a pint of Fosters, mate." 

The German considers things for a moment and says "I think I will have a mint tea, if you have any." 

When the American and the Australian laugh, he simply shrugs and says "well, it's not like you're having a beer".