Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 22 July 2009 by rodwsmith
Q. Why don't boxers have sex the night before a match?
A. Because they hate each other.
A. Because they hate each other.
Posted on: 01 August 2009 by Stoik
One Naimist and one Linnist are lost in the desert, they are dehydrated and on the point to lose consciousness. They beg the Lord to have one last favor before passing out.
The good Lord appears to the two desperate guys, and give them both the choices of listening to their favorite tune one last time, or to go at an oasis where there's a water source.
Feeling his death coming, the Naimist says "Music comes first!", God says OK and flick his thumb, the Naimist's sound system appears, play his favorite tune, and the Naimist die.
Seeing what just happened to his companion, the Linnist says "Source comes first!", God says OK and flick his thumb, the Linnist let go a "oh f*ck me" when he sees his sound system appears...
Bye.
The good Lord appears to the two desperate guys, and give them both the choices of listening to their favorite tune one last time, or to go at an oasis where there's a water source.
Feeling his death coming, the Naimist says "Music comes first!", God says OK and flick his thumb, the Naimist's sound system appears, play his favorite tune, and the Naimist die.
Seeing what just happened to his companion, the Linnist says "Source comes first!", God says OK and flick his thumb, the Linnist let go a "oh f*ck me" when he sees his sound system appears...
Bye.
Posted on: 12 August 2009 by JamieWednesday
Not sure if this is allegorical or for real, thought I'd share it though...
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
This is a conversation which was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
The conversation went like this.....
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ....... total silence)
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
This is a conversation which was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
The conversation went like this.....
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ....... total silence)
Posted on: 14 August 2009 by tonym
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Posted on: 26 August 2009 by Jim Lawson
Old but relevant.
"Hey Teddy, What if I'm pregnant?"
"Don't worry Mary-Joe, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
"Hey Teddy, What if I'm pregnant?"
"Don't worry Mary-Joe, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
Posted on: 27 August 2009 by Howlinhounddog
Voted best joke at Edinburgh festival this year-
Hedgehogs, why can't they just share the hedge?
Hedgehogs, why can't they just share the hedge?
Posted on: 27 August 2009 by Bruce Woodhouse
Overheard on the radio.
Two Yorkshire farmers. One notices that his friend has a pig with a wooden leg.
He asks him why he has bothered to go to such lengths.
'Well he is an amazing pig. He rounds up the sheep when we need to get them inside, he can close the gate with his snout and he acts as a guard dog. He even helps at milking time by following the cows down the lane and chasing the stragglers. You don't think we'd eat a pig like that all at once do you'
Two Yorkshire farmers. One notices that his friend has a pig with a wooden leg.
He asks him why he has bothered to go to such lengths.
'Well he is an amazing pig. He rounds up the sheep when we need to get them inside, he can close the gate with his snout and he acts as a guard dog. He even helps at milking time by following the cows down the lane and chasing the stragglers. You don't think we'd eat a pig like that all at once do you'
Posted on: 31 August 2009 by Komet
A policeman pulls over a speeding car. He says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver replies, "There must be some mistake, Officer, I had the cruise control set to 50. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Don't be silly, dear. You know this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket the man looks at her and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful that your radar detector went off when it did."
As the policeman writes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth: "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns. "And I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir." That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??!!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh no," she replied.
"Only when he's been drinking."
The driver replies, "There must be some mistake, Officer, I had the cruise control set to 50. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Don't be silly, dear. You know this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket the man looks at her and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful that your radar detector went off when it did."
As the policeman writes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth: "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns. "And I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir." That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??!!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh no," she replied.
"Only when he's been drinking."
Posted on: 01 September 2009 by BigH47
I've got that feeling that I'm being watched. Every time I look on Google earth, satellite view, the same white van is parked outside my house.
Posted on: 05 September 2009 by Steve O
Three coloured ladies in America's deep south are discussing the nick-names of their husbands.....
First lady says "I call my man 'Big Dick', cos he's got a big dick."
The second lady says "I call my man 'Long John' cos he's got a long john. Why he just slides it in and crawls towards me! Hallelujah!"
The third lady pauses for a moment then says "I call my man 'Courvoisier'"
The first two ladies give each other a puzzled look, then ask, "Ain't that one of those fancy liquors?"
"Yeaahhh" answers the third lady.
First lady says "I call my man 'Big Dick', cos he's got a big dick."
The second lady says "I call my man 'Long John' cos he's got a long john. Why he just slides it in and crawls towards me! Hallelujah!"
The third lady pauses for a moment then says "I call my man 'Courvoisier'"
The first two ladies give each other a puzzled look, then ask, "Ain't that one of those fancy liquors?"
"Yeaahhh" answers the third lady.
Posted on: 05 September 2009 by Kevin-W
A slug goes up to a snail and says: "Big Issue sir?"
Posted on: 11 September 2009 by Komet
WHO'S THE DADDY?
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details', or putting it another way..... Who's yo Daddy?
1 Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one gave you gas.
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details', or putting it another way..... Who's yo Daddy?
1 Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one gave you gas.
Posted on: 12 September 2009 by David Leedham
quote:Originally posted by Komet:
WHO'S THE DADDY?
5. I have never had sex with a man I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one gave you gas.
Posted on: 13 September 2009 by Fozz
I just heard that a dwarf has been pick-pocketed outside our local supermarket. How could anyone stoop so low?
Posted on: 13 September 2009 by Derek Wright
Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting... take the time to read it !
In 1986, Mikele Molando was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In 1986, Mikele Molando was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Posted on: 16 September 2009 by tonym
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an _hole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an _hole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Posted on: 27 September 2009 by Guido Fawkes
Roy Keane - Football Manager
Oh sorry, misread title of thread: though it said biggest joke
Oh sorry, misread title of thread: though it said biggest joke
Posted on: 27 September 2009 by Blueknowz
ROTF,Can you really blame Keane for 3 goals in 4mins!
Posted on: 27 September 2009 by Former member
In a word YES.quote:Originally posted by Blueknowz:
ROTF,Can you really blame Keane for 3 goals in 4mins!
Who else are you going to blame?
Posted on: 27 September 2009 by Guido Fawkes
quote:Originally posted by Blueknowz:
ROTF,Can you really blame Keane for 3 goals in 4mins!
Ipswich Town
Played 9
Wins 0
Points 4
Position 23rd out 24
The worst start in history - says it all
I still can't get my head around - Roy Keane football manager
I read the news today, oh boy, what a disappointment; I was sure there would be headline somewhere saying Keane quits, but I couldn't find it. I checked the web site nothing. Oh well no hard feelings and to prove it here's a song for Roy.
The joke isn't funny - when you're a tractor boy.
Notice QPR won again.
Posted on: 27 September 2009 by Former member
Rotf,
I rang Nigel today.
To ask if they will write a song about it.
Stu
I rang Nigel today.
To ask if they will write a song about it.
Stu
Posted on: 06 November 2009 by pt109
Fast Sex
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Posted on: 06 November 2009 by Tony Lockhart
And the pope said to Rafa "Come forth."
And Rafa replied "We'll be lucky to come 8th at this rate!"
Tony
And Rafa replied "We'll be lucky to come 8th at this rate!"
Tony
Posted on: 06 November 2009 by Jason Damon
What tube station does Amy Winehouse get off at?
High Barnet
High Barnet
Posted on: 07 November 2009 by tonym
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'