Best Jokes (continues)

Overheard on the radio.

Two Yorkshire farmers. One notices that his friend has a pig with a wooden leg.

He asks him why he has bothered to go to such lengths.

'Well he is an amazing pig. He rounds up the sheep when we need to get them inside, he can close the gate with his snout and he acts as a guard dog. He even helps at milking time by following the cows down the lane and chasing the stragglers. You don't think we'd eat a pig like that all at once do you'

A policeman pulls over a speeding car. He says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver replies, "There must be some mistake, Officer, I had the cruise control set to 50. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Don't be silly, dear. You know this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket the man looks at her and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful that your radar detector went off when it did."
As the policeman writes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth: "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns. "And I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir." That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??!!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh no," she replied.

"Only when he's been drinking."

I've got that feeling that I'm being watched. Every time I look on Google earth, satellite view, the same white van is parked outside my house.

Three coloured ladies in America's deep south are discussing the nick-names of their husbands.....

First lady says "I call my man 'Big Dick', cos he's got a big dick."
The second lady says "I call my man 'Long John' cos he's got a long john. Why he just slides it in and crawls towards me! Hallelujah!"
The third lady pauses for a moment then says "I call my man 'Courvoisier'"
The first two ladies give each other a puzzled look, then ask, "Ain't that one of those fancy liquors?"
"Yeaahhh" answers the third lady.

A slug goes up to a snail and says: "Big Issue sir?"

WHO'S THE DADDY?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details', or putting it another way..... Who's yo Daddy?

1 Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one gave you gas.

quote:

Originally posted by Komet:
WHO'S THE DADDY?


5. I have never had sex with a man I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one gave you gas.

I just heard that a dwarf has been pick-pocketed outside our local supermarket. How could anyone stoop so low?

Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting... take the time to read it !




In 1986, Mikele Molando was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an _hole.


3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high


8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.


11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


13. Glibido: All talk and no action.


14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Roy Keane - Football Manager

Oh sorry, misread title of thread: though it said biggest joke

ROTF,Can you really blame Keane for 3 goals in 4mins!

quote:

Originally posted by Blueknowz:
ROTF,Can you really blame Keane for 3 goals in 4mins!

Ipswich Town
Played 9
Wins 0
Points 4
Position 23rd out 24

The worst start in history - says it all

I still can't get my head around - Roy Keane football manager

I read the news today, oh boy, what a disappointment; I was sure there would be headline somewhere saying Keane quits, but I couldn't find it. I checked the web site nothing. Oh well no hard feelings and to prove it here's a song for Roy.

The joke isn't funny - when you're a tractor boy.

Notice QPR won again.

Fast Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!'


Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

And the pope said to Rafa "Come forth."

And Rafa replied "We'll be lucky to come 8th at this rate!"



Tony

What tube station does Amy Winehouse get off at?

High Barnet

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

First time I'm laughed at an advert in years...

What cheese can you hide a horse in?
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Mask-a-poney

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto " We love to fly and it shows ".

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world"..

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again , this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says " What the f**k do you want ?"

"Ah!" he says , sitting back with a smile on his face, " Ryanair "

Two old families on a remote Scottish island decided to end a 300 year old feud with a marriage. The bachelor son of MacDrum of MacDrum of that Ilk was to marry one of the three daughters of his neighbour MacLarry. And, as his father the laird explained, he was to get the choice of which to wed.

"Och, laddie" said MacDrum "they are three fine lassies. The eldest, Janet, she's 28 and she's as bonny as the hills. She has studied music at St Andrews for mony a year and can woo you on fiddle or flute, or charm you or your guests with the sweetest of voices. Now the middle one, Mary, she's 24, and as majestic as an eagle. She has studied business and law at Oxford and could help you with your business affairs and provide you always with intelligent conversation. And the youngest lassie, Anne, she's 24 and as fit and lithe as a salmon. She has stayed at home and has learnt to cook and to farm, and to fish, stalk and shoot, and she could help you to run your estate. Think carefully on't, laddie, but ye must tell me within a seven-day who it is you wish to marry. Is it to be Janet, Mary or Anne?"

A week later, the laird called his son back to his study. "Have yer made up yer mind?" he says "Is it to be the musical Janet, the intelligent Mary or the sporting Ann?"

"I have decided it is to be Mary, father" he says.
"Ah" says the laird "so you have gone for the intelligence."
"No father, I have gone for the biggest tits".

Fellow gets a strange sensation while sitting on the lavatory about his number 2's. Unable to see what is going on, he asks his wife to inspect the area, and she tells him that he has leaves growing out of his rear end, which look mightily like lettuce.

So she phones to make him an appointment with his Doctor, (only women have the patience to do this, let's face it) and off he goes at the appointed time.

Tells the Doctor that he has lettuce leaves or something of the sort growing from his posterior. Very well says the doctor, behind the screen, trousers and underwear down, and I will take a look. Following the inspection the fellow asks the Doctor, is it true, am I growing a lettuce down there?

The Doctor steeples his fingers, looks thoughtful and says; yes, but that is just the tip of the iceberg...

A bloke comes home from work one Friday evening and hands his wife a huge bouquet of flowers.

"Ah", she says, "I suppose this means I have to lay on my back with my legs open for the whole weekend".

"What? " says the husband, "don't tell me you've broken the f***ing vase!"

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman.. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Zebra bumps into horse. "Hmmm" says Zebra. "We are alike yet somehow different. How so?"

Quips the horse, "Take off those pyjamas sunshine and I'll show you..."

Yesterday at the CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food and waiting in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in intensive care last time.

Horrified, she asked me if that was because the dog food poisoned me.
No I told her, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I'm now banned from the Co-op. But Asda and Sainsburys aren't on to me yet.... ;-D