Best Jokes (continues)

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...


A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into laughter.  'Sorry' he said 'I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

Dear Tony,

My barber has a regular teasing comment to me that is exactly as you report in you own case, though my answer is different,

"Short of a transplant, the best you can!"

It happens every four months or so [except for Funerals and Weddings] as only certain bits seem to grow at all. The other parts seem to be in a perpetual malt!

At least he lets me carry the Carlton up the stairs and lean it up in the waiting area rather than leave it to the tender mercies of the cycle thieves outside! It is an old fashioned joint. I am not looking forward to his retirement! I don't know how I'd cope with these modern Unisex type places.

"What style would, Sir, like?

Perhaps, I'd be jocular and say something like,

"An anti-mullet!"

ATB from George

Dear Tony,

I think that having one's hair cut is one of the all time jokes!

I have a sense of humour, so I persist!

Best wishes, G

Suddenly the Upper fifth doesn't seem so far away.

Chris

Since around 1997 I've clippered my own hair. I just can't face paying someone £10+ to take ten minutes to achieve something like the same effect.

I do most of it, and my wife finishes me off.

Sorry, something went askew there.

Meant to say Tony, will your wife finish me off if I clip my hair?

I'll get my coat

Ron

Bill Bryson tells this joke as a true story in his hilarious book 'Down Under' about Australia. I can thoroughly recommend it to anyone who likes a good laugh. 

I saw a van with a bumper sticker saying "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal". Suddenly I realised how many gynecologists there are on the roads.

John

That's on my FB now

So are most things from here, wouldn't catch me doing that! 

extra  from me to for tonym's previous.

I hate Russian Dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

A bloke was lying in bed with his new girlfriend after some great sex. She spent the next hour rubbing his testicles. Although he wasn't complaining, the bloke found this a bit odd so he asked her why she did it.
After a short pause, she replied "Because I still miss mine"

Have you heard the Trappist Monk joke.......

Researchers for the Highways Agency recently found over 200 dead crows near Gatwick Airport on the M23 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu or some other imported pathogen. 

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. 

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. 

The Highways Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. 

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. 

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry"