Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Possibly the best set of jokes ever posted or maybe re-posted. Not sure I got all of them though.
Excellent job Donuk !!
I read the Independent as well.
I was a bit disappointed that they're obviously copied off an American website, though ('figure it out' etc).
But the Sartre one's very good. May need to simplify it for retelling.
I read the Independent as well.
I was a bit disappointed that they're obviously copied off an American website, though ('figure it out' etc).
But the Sartre one's very good. May need to simplify it for retelling.
The Sartre joke is the only one that gave me any trouble - is it just an existentialist angst thing?
Seen on the fence of a building site in that London:
To be is to do: Santoyana
To do is to be: Sartre
Do be do be do: Sinatra
Just finished reading yesterdays Sun newspaper. for those of you who dont buy this top quality paper here are 3 stories from it.
A man jailed for having sex with a horse has been re-arrested for molesting the same animal again
he realises that he badly needs help,and if anyone can lend him some stepladders he would be most grateful.
MPs current salaries are only £66.396 a year,and when you deduct how much of that goes towards housing,general living costs,transport and their pensions,that only leaves them with £66.396 a year.
There was a big fight at a Robbie Williams concert-thankfully,it ended once people were told they did not have to stay to the end.
On the one hand its difficult to understand fighting during a Robbie William gig. On the other its better than listening to it.
I read the Independent as well.
I was a bit disappointed that they're obviously copied off an American website, though ('figure it out' etc).
But the Sartre one's very good. May need to simplify it for retelling.
The Sartre joke is the only one that gave me any trouble - is it just an existentialist angst thing?
Maybe.....Maybe not.
MPs current salaries are only £66.396 a year,and when you deduct how much of that goes towards housing,general living costs,transport and their pensions,that only leaves them with £66.396 a year.
After housing costs are claimed, it rises to £132, 792!!!
Felt sorry for Murray made his way back to changing room flopped on a bench an afficle pokes his head through the door, he asks do you mind making up a mixed double
Hi Tony. Don't you have one of your "funny" quips to follow up this masterpiece?
"Baby, didn't I tell you yesterday I needed some money?" She whimpered.
"You've not left me any and I want to go shopping."
"So you did honey." I replied.
"There's a wad of cash in the pocket of my black... sorry, dark blue jeans. Back pocket, right hand side."
"Oh, brilliant." She said.
"Where are they?"
I said "I'm bloody wearing them, thanks." Before hanging up.
Thats sic Tony !
Jane awakes during the night
to find that her husband
was not in their bed.
Jane puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, Ian?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
Ian looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
Jane is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
Ian pauses. The words were not coming easily..
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said Jane, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
Ian continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today. '
Headlights.
On the one hand its difficult to understand fighting during a Robbie William gig. On the other its better than listening to it.
Perhaps they had a step-ladder there, with a banana on the top of it...