Best Jokes (continues)

A wife asked her husband to buy her some organic vegetables. He went to his local supermarket but couldn't find any. So he asked one of the male employees for help. 'These vegetables are for my wife - have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'

'No,' replied the employee, 'you'll have to do that yourself.' 

I was stood at the cash machine and there was a little old lady struggling to see the screen.

She said to me, 'Can you check my balance?'

So I pushed her over. 

There was a pregnant silence, followed by a lot of little silences.

What do Catherine the Great, Attila the Hun and Bozo the Clown have in common?

Same middle name.

... or book her a flight on a 787 Dreamliner!!!

Not so much a joke,but a TRUE story.

One of our crowd went out drinking in central London on thursday nite. Come chucking out time he could just about stand so decides to get a minicab home to WALLINGTON(surrey).Cabbie (a gentleman from the land of curry) aint to clever with the Queens english thought he had hit the jackpot and that he wanted taking to WARRINGTON. Our kid falls asleep in the back of of the cab,next time he opens his eyes he is on the M1 looking at an exit sign saying Luton Airport.

Mista H

Best sick joke ever a man in a pub says he will drink the contents of the large spittoon for ten pound ok. Says the landlord , Picking it up gets about halfway down the landlord shouts stops I'm loosing all my customers the man carries on , The landlord calls out I will make fifty pound the man carries on when he as finished the landlord gives him his ten pound why did not stop for fifty he asks I was trying to but it was all in one lump, What is it a woman wears it but her husband never sees it every one else can , best riddle,

A woman wears it her husband never sees it every body else can no catch what is it,

A post with punctuation and syntax?

Mista H, that was so funny. Your mate was so drunk he thought the taxi driver was hard of hearing, when actually it was him slurring his words. Good one. Maybe give the vodka shots a miss next time. Hilarious all the same. I mean who wouldn't want to drive a drunken moron all the way to Warrington?

Andy

Thanks to cosmetic surgery, it's now fashionable to pick your nose . 

That remimds me of one, what is it a woman wears it but her husband never sees it, but every body else can,

Latest odds:

Next person to lift the ashes:

Alastair Cook 7/4

Michael Clark 5/1

Nelson Mandela's Family 10/11

I used to be in a really heavy metal band.
I played iridium guitar.

Not a joke but another TRUE story.

Concerns one of our Friday nite drinking mob. When he and his good lady first moved in together she used to do all his ironing. He then went to the trouble of telling her how he liked his ironing to be done and what she needed to do so that it was done to his liking. In his own words it was one of the biggest mistakes he has made in his life,as for the last 40 years he has been doing his own !!

Mista h

Can anyone explain to me why so many women that are natural Blondes go to all the trouble of dyeing their hair rootes Black ??

Mista h

The Lone Ranger has had a tough day, riding in the hot desert. Together with Tonto, they  hit town, find the bar, hop off their steeds and hit the bar. 

As they get to the end of their first, a cowboy comes into the bar, and shouts: "Anyone here got a big white horse outside?" 

The Lone Ranger says "yes, that's my horse, Silver"

"Well," says the cowboy, "you really should go and look after him, he's almost dead from the heat"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto feel terrible that they have forgotten Silver, they dash out to find Silver is indeed almost dead from exhaustion. They fetch water and pretty soon Silver is back on his feet. The Lone Ranger is still worried. "Tonto" he says "why don't you run around Silver and the breeze you make will cool him down". 

Tonto agrees, "Yes kemosabe, but there's no point the both of us doing that, we would only run into each other." So the Lone Ranger goes back in the bar to finish his drink.

A couple of minutes later, another cowboy comes in. "Anyone here got a big white horse outside?" 

The Lone  Ranger says, "yes that's my horse Silver - what's wrong now?"

"Nothing wrong" says the cowboy "you just left your Injun running".

whats the closest thing to silver lone rangers balls