Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Boris Johnson doesn't come cheap, does he?
Liam Gallagher doesn't come cheap. Well, not according to New York paternity claims anyway.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
The government's Help to Buy scheme.
Whisper it in her ear, she calls the cops!
A Higgs Boson is walking into St Patricks when the priest shouts "Not so fast! You can't come in here. Your sort's not welcome!!!"
"But.." splutters the Higgs, "...Why not? You can't have Mass without me."
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
I wonder what Asda will be calling their clothing range?
The receptionist says, "Don't you have any luggage?"
The photon says, "I don't need any, I'm travelling light
http://youtu.be/tieA5wfcgH4
http://youtu.be/tieA5wfcgH4
Nice one tony 
Similarly
From a current ebay ad for a SBT:
"Connects to home wife network, usb stick, memory card, Internet radio, etc, etc."
"Do you have any pepper?"
"Black or white?"
"Toilet." he replies.
We've been really lucky as we managed to get the last spot on the campsite.
Now I got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one of em.
Sauerkraut
Cabbage
Potatoes
Cheese
Beetroot
Onions
Bread
Butter
Schindler's mum's list.
I can't find the words to describe how bad this thesaurus is.
whats the closest thing to silver lone rangers balls
The essence of comedy is ...punctuation and a definite article.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a Hand Job.
I said son thats 3 schools this year,you had better stop now before they stop you from teaching altogether.
Mista H
Q.....Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Brick ?
A......The Brick wont follow you home after you lay it.
Mista H
My wife suggested i get myself a Penis enlarger.
So i did
She is 21 and her name is Tracey.
Mista H
From a current ebay ad for a SBT:
"Connects to home wife network, usb stick, memory card, Internet radio, etc, etc."
Another description on ebay.
Solid Maple Wood Hand Soldered
USB DAC -Entirely Hand Made -
Very shinny finish!