Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Some bastards just nicked a pair of my wifes knickers off our washing line !
She is not to bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
mista h
Rembember the 7 qualtities for the perfect girlfriend.
1/ beautiful
2/ inteligent
3/ gentle
4/ thoughtful
5/ innocent
6/ trustworthy
7/ sensible
OR in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S
Mista H
No. I'd heard it was nine qualities:
Generous
Radiant
Entertaining
Altruistic
Tender
Appreciative
Resourceful
Sensitive
Empathetic
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair,but i was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted my religon to Islam and we are stoning her in the morning.
Mista H
Just been to the gym. They have a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as i started to feel sick. It does everything. Kit Kats,snickers.crisps,mars bars,the lot
Mista H
Apologies upfront if this has been done before.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last nite. Locals were shouting Paedophile and other horrible names at me,just because she is 21 and i am 52. it completely spoilt our 10th aniversary.
Mista H
The thing i like about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops........have to say though they do make me look a bit gay.
mista h
Following the tragic death of the human cannonball at the Perth Royal Show a spokeman said we will have trouble finding another man of the same calibre.
Mista h
The cost of living is now so bad that the wife has started having sex with me.
She can no longer afford the cost of new batteries.
Mista H
Apologies upfront if this has been done before.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last nite. Locals were shouting Paedophile and other horrible names at me,just because she is 21 and i am 52. it completely spoilt our 10th aniversary.
Mista H
It has.
She said, "What happened?"
"Oh that?" I laughed. "I was shaving."
Confused, she said, "But you're still covered in hair?"
I replied, "I know, but your cat isn't!"
He's a computer nerd, so it'll be the first time he's had one.
For those of you that follow cricket(thats not me)
What do you call an Aussie holding up a bottle of champagne
A waiter
What do yo call an Aussie that can hold a catch
A fisherman
What do you call a world class Aussie cricketer
Retired
Why carnt you drink anything in Australia at the moment
Cos they aint got no openers
What have an Australian wicket keeper playing in the Ashes at the moment & Michael Jackson got in common.
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason
Which Aussie spends the most time at the crease
The women who irons their whites
Whats the height of optimism
An Aussie batsman putting on sun tan cream
Whats the difference between an Aussie batsman and a F1 racing car
Nothing.....blink and both will be gone
Whats the difference between Michael Clarke and a Funeral Director
A Funeral Director does not keep losing the Ashes
The Australian bobsleigh team have requested a meeting with the Australian cricket team,they want tips on going down hill fast
Mista H
I come from a very musical household. Our old sewing machine was a Singer and our new family PC is Adele.
Got sent to prism.
THIS IS A VERY TOUCHING STORY
One afternoon a lawyer was riding around in his huge limo when he saw 2 men at the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed at this he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
he asked the man...why are you eating grass?
We dont have any money for food the poor man replied,so we have to eat grass.
Well then you can come with me to my house and i will feed you the lawyer said.
But Sir,i have a wife and 2 children with me,they are over there under the tree.
Bring them along the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated you can come with us also.
The 2nd man in a pitiful voice said,but Sir i have a wife and 6 children with me.
Bring them as well the lawyer replied.
They then all just about managed to squeeze into the big limo.
Once under way one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,Sir you are too kind thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied,glad to help you will really love my place,the grass is over a foot tall.
Well,what were you expecting a kind story about a lawyer !!!
Mista h
"This wedding is a bit weird."
"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to stay now!"
A Palestinian’s life is saved by a heart transplant from an Israeli.
The surgery went just fine, but the guy just can’t stop throwing rocks at himself.
On closer inspection of the article, I was deeply disappointed.
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?
A fungi.
"Sweet dreams are made of cheese,
Who am I to diss a Brie?
I Cheddar the world
and the Feta cheese.
Everybody's looking for Stilton ......"
A gentleman tries to gain entry to a fancy London club, but the doorman won't let him in, saying he's not known there. The chap starts to get ratty, and expostulates with him, saying 'You must recognise me, I'm a country member.'
'Ah yes sir, I remember!'