Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
That should stop all the stories about her being a lesbian.
Misheard lyrics. I found this almost as funny as Bill Bailey's U2 video.
The Fly. Unless you wiped out all the maggots too.
Is it an arse?
Is it an arse?
Is that the 'hole' truth and nothing 'butt' the truth?
"Have you any last requests?"
It was the same every Friday night at the Stalag Luft disco.
Adam what animal wipe them all out it is a mule cross between a horse and donkey it is a freak of nature, The poor sod as no sex organs so can't reproduce it's self,
Adam what animal wipe them all out it is a mule cross between a horse and donkey it is a freak of nature, The poor sod as no sex organs so can't reproduce it's self,
Yes they can. There have been 60 in 500 years, which is about the same as women after their wedding day! A hinny, which is a cross between a male horse and female donkey, is even rarer.
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1945 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2012 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.
Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1945 - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD - result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1945 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1945 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.
2012- Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Cracker night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.
1945 - Wasps die.
2012- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1945 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie. No damage done.
2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.
Sniper - posted in 'best jokes' perhaps but I suspect many of us recognise a lot of truth here. And 1945 could probably be brought forward to the early 70s, too. Ah well, progress I'm sure.
MDS
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.
Answer; throw in your washing.
We were having a laugh about this, when this big bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?"
"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."
Single or squirty.
My new party trick. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together.
I shit you knot.
Sniper - posted in 'best jokes' perhaps but I suspect many of us recognise a lot of truth here. And 1945 could probably be brought forward to the early 70s, too. Ah well, progress I'm sure.
MDS
I agree. I guess there has to be an element of truth in many a joke for the joke to work. I went to school during the 70s. We can drive past a school and see the buildings and the name of the school and say 'this is my old school' but our old school does not exist.
"Depends," I replied, "Mine or yours?"
Tony, did you self edit or were you moderated?
Sniper - posted in 'best jokes' perhaps but I suspect many of us recognise a lot of truth here. And 1945 could probably be brought forward to the early 70s, too. Ah well, progress I'm sure.
MDS
I suspect many of us recognise a lot of bollix here.
After she discovered the cost of hiring a crane.
To celebrate I went into London Kings Cross and paid £4.50 for a cup of tea.
[pedant] It was on August 8th [/pedant]. Sorry, bored 
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."