Best Jokes (continues)

First time I'm laughed at an advert in years...

What cheese can you hide a horse in?
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Mask-a-poney

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto " We love to fly and it shows ".

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world"..

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again , this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says " What the f**k do you want ?"

"Ah!" he says , sitting back with a smile on his face, " Ryanair "

Two old families on a remote Scottish island decided to end a 300 year old feud with a marriage. The bachelor son of MacDrum of MacDrum of that Ilk was to marry one of the three daughters of his neighbour MacLarry. And, as his father the laird explained, he was to get the choice of which to wed.

"Och, laddie" said MacDrum "they are three fine lassies. The eldest, Janet, she's 28 and she's as bonny as the hills. She has studied music at St Andrews for mony a year and can woo you on fiddle or flute, or charm you or your guests with the sweetest of voices. Now the middle one, Mary, she's 24, and as majestic as an eagle. She has studied business and law at Oxford and could help you with your business affairs and provide you always with intelligent conversation. And the youngest lassie, Anne, she's 24 and as fit and lithe as a salmon. She has stayed at home and has learnt to cook and to farm, and to fish, stalk and shoot, and she could help you to run your estate. Think carefully on't, laddie, but ye must tell me within a seven-day who it is you wish to marry. Is it to be Janet, Mary or Anne?"

A week later, the laird called his son back to his study. "Have yer made up yer mind?" he says "Is it to be the musical Janet, the intelligent Mary or the sporting Ann?"

"I have decided it is to be Mary, father" he says.
"Ah" says the laird "so you have gone for the intelligence."
"No father, I have gone for the biggest tits".

Fellow gets a strange sensation while sitting on the lavatory about his number 2's. Unable to see what is going on, he asks his wife to inspect the area, and she tells him that he has leaves growing out of his rear end, which look mightily like lettuce.

So she phones to make him an appointment with his Doctor, (only women have the patience to do this, let's face it) and off he goes at the appointed time.

Tells the Doctor that he has lettuce leaves or something of the sort growing from his posterior. Very well says the doctor, behind the screen, trousers and underwear down, and I will take a look. Following the inspection the fellow asks the Doctor, is it true, am I growing a lettuce down there?

The Doctor steeples his fingers, looks thoughtful and says; yes, but that is just the tip of the iceberg...

A bloke comes home from work one Friday evening and hands his wife a huge bouquet of flowers.

"Ah", she says, "I suppose this means I have to lay on my back with my legs open for the whole weekend".

"What? " says the husband, "don't tell me you've broken the f***ing vase!"

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman.. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Zebra bumps into horse. "Hmmm" says Zebra. "We are alike yet somehow different. How so?"

Quips the horse, "Take off those pyjamas sunshine and I'll show you..."

Yesterday at the CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food and waiting in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in intensive care last time.

Horrified, she asked me if that was because the dog food poisoned me.
No I told her, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I'm now banned from the Co-op. But Asda and Sainsburys aren't on to me yet.... ;-D

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'For more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith promptly fainted

What did the slug say to the snail ?
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Big Issue Mate

I'm a bit snuffly at the moment with Gammon Flu. It was a dose of that Swine Flu - but I went to the doctor and he cured me...

quote:

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman.. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

An alternative ending I've heard is
(Madam) Do you realise it could prove fatal?

(Punter) - Well if it kills her, it kills her!.

How is lovely St Marteen? We loved it in 2002 on our 25th anniversary

What can is one hundred pro cent fat?
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An American
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A man hires a hitman to kill his nagging wife of 40 yrs.

The hitman says "It will take one shot just below her left breast."

The man says "I want her dead not kneecapped."

I've just been reading an article about drug use in schools.
I blame the supply teachers!

I now understands that knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad . . .

USEFUL GARAGE TOOL DEFINITIONS -


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Great stuff Tony ! You have just about described all that I have been doing these past few weeks...!

I started my Christmas shopping on line today.
I used my donor car instead of a credit card....
I cost me an arm and a leg!!!

Q. What have Tiger Woods and a baby seal got in common?


A. Both get clubbed by a Swede.

?

I went to watch Top Gear being filmed & after the show ended up going for drinks round at the Stig’s place.....
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It’s a real dump!!

More topical!!!

Q: What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

A: Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"


"Not yet," she replied.