Best Jokes (continues)

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'For more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith promptly fainted

What did the slug say to the snail ?
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Big Issue Mate

I'm a bit snuffly at the moment with Gammon Flu. It was a dose of that Swine Flu - but I went to the doctor and he cured me...

quote:

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman.. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

An alternative ending I've heard is
(Madam) Do you realise it could prove fatal?

(Punter) - Well if it kills her, it kills her!.

How is lovely St Marteen? We loved it in 2002 on our 25th anniversary

What can is one hundred pro cent fat?
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An American
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A man hires a hitman to kill his nagging wife of 40 yrs.

The hitman says "It will take one shot just below her left breast."

The man says "I want her dead not kneecapped."

I've just been reading an article about drug use in schools.
I blame the supply teachers!

I now understands that knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad . . .

USEFUL GARAGE TOOL DEFINITIONS -


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Great stuff Tony ! You have just about described all that I have been doing these past few weeks...!

I started my Christmas shopping on line today.
I used my donor car instead of a credit card....
I cost me an arm and a leg!!!

Q. What have Tiger Woods and a baby seal got in common?


A. Both get clubbed by a Swede.

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I went to watch Top Gear being filmed & after the show ended up going for drinks round at the Stig’s place.....
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It’s a real dump!!

More topical!!!

Q: What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

A: Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"


"Not yet," she replied.

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada
with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting,
so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving
From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" - "Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"


The wife replied, " I did. They're in your fishing box..."

Have you heard Tiger Woods is changing his name?

From now on he is to be known as Cheetah Woods!

What do you get if you cross a radio set with a joint of pork?
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"Crackling!"

What do you get if you cross a black and white sheep dog with a cabbage?
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"A Collie-flower."

FEMALE COMPASSION
.....the Depth & Breadth of it is Truly Amazing!

A Man was Sitting on a Blanket at the Beach. He had no Arms & no Legs.
3 Women were Walking past & felt Sorry for the Poor Man.
The 1st Woman said: 'Have you ever had a Hug?'
The Man said: 'No' So she gave him a hug & walked on.

The 2nd woman said: 'Have you ever had a Kiss?'
The Man said, 'No' So she gave him a Kiss & walked on.

The 3rd Woman came to him & said: 'Have u ever been F*****..?'
The Man's eyes lit up & with a big grin he said: 'No'
She said, 'YOU will be when the tide comes in.'

What do you get if you cross a seal and an ant?
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"A sealant."

Okay, I will stop now. All these were of my own invention, which is why I am am still working hard for a living!

quote:

Originally posted by GFFJ:
What can is one hundred pro cent fat?
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An American
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There are four kinds of people in the UK -

First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on.

Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.

Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.

Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

Marc, that made me laugh out loud!

Good job I am half Norwegian innit?*@*!

ATB from George