Best Jokes (continues)

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"good," she replied. "get your own ****ing blanket."

after a moment of silence, he farted........................

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.

could be a chinese wispa

My old grandpa once said, "Don't believe everything you hear."

 That was great advice.

 Or was it?!

Was he from Crete by any chance, and also fond of saying 'All Cretans are liars'?

Rob Auton's gag was recently voted the best of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle!

Is there no beginning to this man's talent?

John.

50 SHADES OF CHOCOLATE:

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a double-decker
It was just after 8
They got off at Quality Street
He asked her name "Polo, I'm the mint with the hole" she said with a Wispa
"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied
He touched her cream eggs which was a Kinder Surprise for her
He fondled her jelly babies and she rubbed his Tic-Tacs
Then he slipped his hands into her Snickers, which made her Ripple
Soon they were Love Hearts - it was a Fab moment
His Magnum went up her Milky Way
and she screamed in Turkish Delight------

But 3 days later his Sherbet Dab began to itch
Turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset and had allsorts!!

For those who haven't heard, Washington State passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before..

Geek O' Clock

Sounds like my game yesterday Tony. 

You might laugh but I am daily tortured by conversations like the following - this is a verbatim record of a small part of a simple 5 minute chat that turned into a typically confusing 1 hour waste of time. 

Sniper - So who owns the land next to our wall?
Filipino - My brother owns dat land
Sniper - Your brother is the owner of that land?
Filipino - Yes, he owns dat land
Sniper - I see. I did not know that.
Filipino - Yes, he own dat land for 30 years
Sniper - I see
Filipino - But then he sold it
Sniper - Your brother sold the land?
Filipino - Yes, he sold dat land
Sniper - So you brother does not own that land?
Filipino - Yes, he does not own dat land.

What's thick skinned, has no sense of humour, and doesn't know when to stop posting shit unfunny jokes nicked from other unfunny sites?

.........

G'won Tom, tell us a funny Joke!

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. 
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilets for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

Chuckleworthy

Not bad for a five-year-old forecast:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOgj2etJs3Y&feature=player_embedded