Best Jokes (continues)

After spending another night on the internet, looking at pictures of meat-free ready meals, I had to face it - I was addicted to online quorn

Not everything does what it says on the tin. I've just had a visit from the doctors in hospital. Apparently the Dyson Ball Cleaner is for carpets.

Made me laugh.

Made me laugh, too, though I was left wondering what P might stand for?

My wife said I'm more interested in reading than I am in her.

So I treated her to a kindle lit dinner . 

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter,for some reason took my order 1st.

I will have the rump steak please.

He said arent you worried about the Mad Cow ?

Nah,she can order for herself !!

Mista h

And sorry if this had been posted already

My wife and i were sitting at a table at her school reunion.

She kept stareing at a drunken man sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her do you know him? yes she replied,it is my old boyfriend,i understand he took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago,and he has not been sober since.

my god i said,who would have thought a person could go on celebrating this long !!

Mista H

My wife sat next to me as i was fliping thru the TV channels.

She asked,whats on the TV ?

I said F---ing Dust.

Mista H

One year i decided to buy the Mother-in-law a cemetry plot as a christmas gift.

The following christmas i did not buy her a gift.

When she asked me why i replied,Well,you still havnt used the gift i bought you last year.

Mista h

When our lawn mower broke down my wife kept on at me to get it fixed. But for some reason i always had something more important to take care of.

Finally she thought of a clever way of making her point. When i arrived home from work one day,i found her sat in the long grass busy snipping away with a pair of scissors. I watched for a while,then i went into the house and came back and handed her a toothbrush. I told her that when she had finnished cutting the grass she may as well sweep the driveway.

Mista H

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs, above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and with the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

What is the difference between BSE and PMS?

BSE is Bovine spongiform encephalopathy and PMS is Mad Cow Disease.

10 years in jail gives plenty of time to recant. I'm sorry, I'll get my coat. 

http://www.independent.co.uk/n...losophy-8820327.html

That's an old one sniper.

Reminds me of;

What the difference between a woman with PMT and a Rottweiler?

Lipstick.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.