Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
It's Madness gone politically correct.
One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean!
Following the conviction of the Chinese politician Bo Xilai on charges of corruption, abuse of power, embezzlement and bribery, we wish him all the best in his campaign to become Italian President.
It's called "Appetite for Construction."
I didn't know, until I had a propaganda at it.
What a car crash.
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a young lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'darling,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Nice offer currently running on Amazon:
If you buy all the Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver.
She's a keeper.
which pub would you go to?
The Government have announced that people who have been on unemployment benefit for 2 years will have to do community work, like making meals for pensioners. Help The Aged have already voiced their concerns. They estimate that most pensioners in Liverpool will have to eat at least 10 meals a day.
"JEEZUS! You scared me!" I shouted.
"Why, are you up to no good again?" she asked.
"No," I said," You're THAT ugly."
"She must be dead." I thought.
As I started looking for a pulse, she opened her eyes.
I nearly shat myself. The old witch was wearing a bullet proof vest.
Just one, but he has to see Radiohead do it first.
I walked into a pub the other day. In the corner was a parrot which kept saying "Pieces of seven. Pieces of seven" I turned to the landlord and said "Isn't he meant to say, "Pieces of eight?"
The landlord replied "Yes, but it's a parroty error"
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.
One to twist the bulb and another to hold the cock... Father..! Ladder!
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"