Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
The fact that there are even such things as ugly hookers should tell you everything you need to know about men.
I was having sex over the kitchen table with some tart when we heard the front door open. She said....its my husband!! Quick try the back passage. Thinking about it i should have legged it,but you dont get offers like that every day.
Mista h
Got 11 more stories but unless i can rework them none will get by Richard.
Oh yes, that's good!
ATB from George
It amuses me though.
I like to rubber up the wrong way.
A company hires a new CEO. The new boss wants to rid the company of slackers. On a tour of the factory the new CEO spots a chap leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wants to let everyone know he means business,so he asks the lad how much money he earns a week?
A little shocked the young lad looks at him and says about £400 a week. Why do you want to know.
The CEO says wait right there. he comes back 2 minutes later,and gives the lad £1600 in cash and says here is £1600 in cash,now get out and dont ever come back!!
Feeling good about himself the CEO looks around at the workers and asks....does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did around here?
A voice at the back of the room shouts......he was the Pizza delivery man from Dominos.
Mista H
Check out this video on YouTube:
http://youtu.be/Vms_6_TSQuc
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.
If I fix you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would suffice.
None of this "How did you get in my house?"--so rude!
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.
That is the "Bucking Bronco".
Right up there with:
Dirty Snachez
Cleveland Steamer
The Hot Lunch
The Stranger
etc...
Stolen. Sorry 
Dear Lord,
This has been a tough few years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And my favourite singer Whitney Houston.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:
Ed Miliband, David Cameron, George Osborne, Nick Clegg and Ed Balls,
not forgetting Tony Blair and Gordon Brown ...........
Dear Lord,
This has been a tough few years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And my favourite singer Whitney Houston.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:
Ed Miliband, David Cameron, George Osborne, Nick Clegg and Ed Balls,
not forgetting Tony Blair and Gordon Brown ...........
Oh, and to that list of favourites I'd add Michael Gove (so beloved by teachers), Eric Pickles (local councils' champion) and Owen Paterson (badgers' friend and hero of the climate change deniers)
MDS
Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
I just looked up my ex-wife's place, and there's no forensics tent outside or anything.
Just as I was beginning to think that all the romance had gone out of the bedroom, she only goes and farts the theme tune to Love Story!
REDNECK PREGNANCY
A hunky Redneck went to the hospital,as his wife was going to give birth.....he waited.
Later the nurse said to him congratulations,your wife has had quintuplets,5 big baby boys.
The Redneck said i am not surprised.I have a penis the size of a chimney.
The nurse replied.you might want to consider getting your chimney cleaned.......they are all Black.
Mista h
That had me in stitches
Tim Vine certainly is popular here.
SOMETIMES
Sometimes......when you cry....no one sees your tears
Sometimes......when you are in pain.....no one sees you are hurt
Sometimes......when you are worried....no one sees your stress
Sometimes......when you are happy....no one sees your smile
But FART just ONE frigging time....and everybody knows
Mista H
2013 DARWIN AWARDS
Eighth Place
In Detroit a 41 year old man got stuck and drowned in 2 feet of water. After squeezing head first thru a 18 inch wide sewer gate to retrieve his car keys.
Mista H
Why is there no point in voting in Polish elections?
Because whoever you vote for, it’s all the Sejm.
2013 DARWIN AWARDS
Eighth Place
In Detroit a 41 year old man got stuck and drowned in 2 feet of water. After squeezing head first thru a 18 inch wide sewer gate to retrieve his car keys.
Mista H
Seventh Place
A 49 year old San francisco stockbroker who was TOTALLY ZONED when he ran accidentally jogged off a 100 ft high cliff on his daily run.
My brother took being sent to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
Never playing him at Monopoly again
Sounds like when we used to play when I was a kid. My dad was never a good loser...