Best Jokes (continues)

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada
with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting,
so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving
From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" - "Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"


The wife replied, " I did. They're in your fishing box..."

Have you heard Tiger Woods is changing his name?

From now on he is to be known as Cheetah Woods!

What do you get if you cross a radio set with a joint of pork?
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"Crackling!"

What do you get if you cross a black and white sheep dog with a cabbage?
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"A Collie-flower."

FEMALE COMPASSION
.....the Depth & Breadth of it is Truly Amazing!

A Man was Sitting on a Blanket at the Beach. He had no Arms & no Legs.
3 Women were Walking past & felt Sorry for the Poor Man.
The 1st Woman said: 'Have you ever had a Hug?'
The Man said: 'No' So she gave him a hug & walked on.

The 2nd woman said: 'Have you ever had a Kiss?'
The Man said, 'No' So she gave him a Kiss & walked on.

The 3rd Woman came to him & said: 'Have u ever been F*****..?'
The Man's eyes lit up & with a big grin he said: 'No'
She said, 'YOU will be when the tide comes in.'

What do you get if you cross a seal and an ant?
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"A sealant."

Okay, I will stop now. All these were of my own invention, which is why I am am still working hard for a living!

quote:

Originally posted by GFFJ:
What can is one hundred pro cent fat?
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An American
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There are four kinds of people in the UK -

First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on.

Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.

Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.

Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

Marc, that made me laugh out loud!

Good job I am half Norwegian innit?*@*!

ATB from George

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you bastards who want off, get off now, ‘cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added ..........

“For those of you, who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.”

Due to the current financial climate ...I can't afford to pay attention any more!

What do Tiger Woods and Santa not have in common?
Santa stopped at three,"Ho's".

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow .

"I hear all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big
booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why
I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the
other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly.
A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is
that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The
man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the
contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The
American of course tries to do it as well,
but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back
in again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".

The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend in bed!"

"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says. "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"

The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him in straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!!"

Age and Womanhood***

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18... She is like Africa, VIRGIN and UNEXPLORED.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35... She is like Asia, HOT and EXOTIC.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45... She is like America, FULLY EXPLORED, BREATHTAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL, AND FREE WITH HER RESOURCES.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56... She is like Europe, EXHAUSTED BUT STILL HAS POINTS OF INTEREST.

5. After 56 she is like Australia... Everybody knows it's there, BUT WHO GIVES A DAMN?

(With apologies to Australians.)

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and then proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba has the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn;t help but notice..."

Bubba laughed and said, "every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.

Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it in the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into the bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half sleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you Bubba?"

John, who worked in the coal mines was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mineshaft and crushed poor John to death.

A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of John:

It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."

Someone asked me the other day, 'What's your pet hate?' I thought for a moment then said, 'It doesn't really like things shoved up its arse!'


Tony

Megalol Tony. Absurd joke and just the belly laugh i neeeded.

A US army platoon was marching north through Helmand when they came upon an insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that the Taliban were miserable, lowlife scumbags who got what they deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying one-eyed Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a pillow biting poofter!
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid,hatchet faced lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a fucking bus hit us."

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 83% of Liverpool 's inner city residents said that they have had sex in the shower.The other 17% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Husband says to wife 'do you fancy playing a rape game?' Wife says 'no'. Husband replies 'thats the spirit!'

Tony

School Attitudes 1977 vs. School 2009

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles phones with evidence of fight are confiscated. Both are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Mobile phone video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario 2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and never disrupts the class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.


Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist convinces Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails GCSE English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally, insisting that making English a requirement in school is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American airlines ever again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy; becomes gay.

Oh my misses(a teacher) will love that.

Scenario; snow on the playground at school

1977: Countryside town, 20 cm of snow; My classmates and I had lots of fun with a snowball fight and making an enormous snowman in the playground. Teachers joined in.
2010: Central London, 5cm of snow. School closed. When it reopened, my children were not allowed to play in the snow, for their safety.

Blehh