Best Jokes (continues)

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you bastards who want off, get off now, ‘cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added ..........

“For those of you, who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.”

Due to the current financial climate ...I can't afford to pay attention any more!

What do Tiger Woods and Santa not have in common?
Santa stopped at three,"Ho's".

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow .

"I hear all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big
booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why
I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the
other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly.
A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is
that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The
man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the
contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The
American of course tries to do it as well,
but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back
in again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".

The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend in bed!"

"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says. "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"

The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him in straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!!"

Age and Womanhood***

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18... She is like Africa, VIRGIN and UNEXPLORED.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35... She is like Asia, HOT and EXOTIC.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45... She is like America, FULLY EXPLORED, BREATHTAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL, AND FREE WITH HER RESOURCES.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56... She is like Europe, EXHAUSTED BUT STILL HAS POINTS OF INTEREST.

5. After 56 she is like Australia... Everybody knows it's there, BUT WHO GIVES A DAMN?

(With apologies to Australians.)

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and then proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba has the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn;t help but notice..."

Bubba laughed and said, "every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.

Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it in the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into the bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half sleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you Bubba?"

John, who worked in the coal mines was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mineshaft and crushed poor John to death.

A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of John:

It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."

Someone asked me the other day, 'What's your pet hate?' I thought for a moment then said, 'It doesn't really like things shoved up its arse!'


Tony

Megalol Tony. Absurd joke and just the belly laugh i neeeded.

A US army platoon was marching north through Helmand when they came upon an insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that the Taliban were miserable, lowlife scumbags who got what they deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying one-eyed Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a pillow biting poofter!
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid,hatchet faced lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a fucking bus hit us."

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 83% of Liverpool 's inner city residents said that they have had sex in the shower.The other 17% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Husband says to wife 'do you fancy playing a rape game?' Wife says 'no'. Husband replies 'thats the spirit!'

Tony

School Attitudes 1977 vs. School 2009

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles phones with evidence of fight are confiscated. Both are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Mobile phone video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario 2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and never disrupts the class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.


Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist convinces Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails GCSE English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally, insisting that making English a requirement in school is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American airlines ever again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy; becomes gay.

Oh my misses(a teacher) will love that.

Scenario; snow on the playground at school

1977: Countryside town, 20 cm of snow; My classmates and I had lots of fun with a snowball fight and making an enormous snowman in the playground. Teachers joined in.
2010: Central London, 5cm of snow. School closed. When it reopened, my children were not allowed to play in the snow, for their safety.

Blehh

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river.

Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof.

While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof.

At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in.

Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.

Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim tells her "That's ok."

The woman says "Are you sure?"

Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns.

Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.

Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows

WHO IS THE ODD MAN OUT - and more importantly - WHY??

Lord Stevenson: former chairman, HBOS

Sir Fred Goodwin: former chief executive, RBS

Andy Hornby: former chief executive, HBOS

Sir Tom McKillop: former chairman, RBS

John McFall MP: chairman of Treasury Select Committee

Alastair Darling: Chancellor of the Exchequer

Gordon Brown: Prime Minister and former Chancellor

Sir Terry Wogan: presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show



You're probably thinking

Terry Wogan.

You're right.

However, the reason may surprise you...........

Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds any formal banking qualification!

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says

........... 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!!

There are only 10 types of people in the world — those who understand binary, and those who don't.


Tony

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal turned to the other and said, "Does something taste funny to you?"