Best Jokes (continues)

“NASA decided they’d finally send a man up in a capsule after sending only monkeys in the earlier missions”.

“They fire the man and the monkey into space.

“The intercom crackles, 'Monkey, fire the retros.'

“A little later, 'Monkey, check the solid fuel supply.'

“Later still, “Monkey, check the life support systems for the man.'

“The astronaut takes umbrage and radioes NASA, 'When do I get to do something?'

“NASA replies, 'In 15 minutes - you have to feed the monkey.'”

Sixth Place

While on the beach Daniel Jones 21 dug an 8ft deep hole for protection from the wind,and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom,when the hole collapsed,burying him beneath 5ft of sand. people on the beach used their hands and shovels to try and dig him out  but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. jones was pronounced dead when he reached hospital.

Mista h

     NORMAN THE SAILOR

Norman,an old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks for the sake of old times and some red hot sex.

He engages a loveley prostitute and takes her up to to a room.

he is soon going at it as best he can for a guy of his age,but needing some reassurance he asks....how am i doing ?

The prostitute replies...well Norman you old sailor your doing about 3 knots.

Your not hard,your not in,and your not getting your money back.

Mista h

you're

You are spot on Winks. Yes i do know how to spell the word,the only reason i spelt it the way i did is because we both only use laptops at home with no upper coma on the keyboard.

I am sure you understood my posting and its good to see one person is taking the time to read them

Mista H

H of course we are reading the stuff.

I am avidly following your countdown, what's at No 5?

I've just put a load of John Lennon memorabilia on e-Bay!

Imagine all the Paypal...

Ono.....G

Just for you CBR a day early

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarades 24 was killed as he fell thru the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Mista H

PS fourth place is good

George Washington, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are on a sinking boat .

Washington heroically shouted, "save the women!"

Dubya hysterically hollers, screw the women!"

Clinton asks in excitement, "do we really have time" ?

http://search.atomz.com/search...mp;sp-m=1&sp-s=0

and - for No.1 - http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.asp

H,

   your post is enlightening !!

I had a happy childhood, I can remember my dad putting me inside a tyre and rolling me down a hill..

Those were Goodyears.

We had a power outage last week,and my COMPUTER.TV,and PHONE all shut down.

I had to talk to the wife instead.

She seems like a nice person.

Mista h

DRINKING IN GALWAY

As good as this bar is said the scotsman,i still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there is a wee place called Mc Tavishes. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals When you buy 4 drinks,he will buy the 5th drink.

Well Angus said the Englishman at my local in London the Red Lion the barman will buy you the 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.

Ahh,dats nothin says Paddy Sheehan the Irishman,my favourite pub in Galway,the moment you set foot in the place they will buy you free drinks all nite. Then when you have had enough drinks,they will take you upstairs and see you get laid.

Did this actually happen to you? said the Englishman.

Not meeself personally,no admitted the irishman,but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

Mista h

Woman  was given a 16-week suspended jail term after admitting causing suffering to the
four animals which ended up mauling a 14 year girl to death.

Woman who stole 900 designer bags jailed for 18 months!

It that's not a joke, I don't know what it is!