Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Woman was given a 16-week suspended jail term after admitting causing suffering to the
four animals which ended up mauling a 14 year girl to death.
Woman who stole 900 designer bags jailed for 18 months!
It that's not a joke, I don't know what it is!
Even better. Section 154 of the Licencing Act 2003 states that if a licensed premises refuses to give a free glass of tap water when asked, the landlord can have a £20,000 fine and a 6 month jail term. The average sentence for a first court conviction of assault is a £75 fine and a suspended sentence. So if you ask your local landlord for a free glass of water and he punches you in the face, you know why!
Roses are red.
Violets are red.
Lilacs are red.
We've run out of cyan toner
Roses are red.
Violets are red.
Lilacs are red.
We've run out of cyan toner
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't
Note the product warning at the bottom 
Dad's Army rock 'n' roll:
The Crazy World Of Arthur Lowe
Bo Ridley
Pike and Tina Turner
The Corporal Jonestown Massacre
Laurie Anderson
My sister Dolly Parton
The Walker Brothers
Wilson Phillips
The Frazer Chorus (we're doomed . . .)
James Beck, Bogert and Appice
The Young Godfreys
Not a joke,but a true story
Went to a Wetherspoons this afternoon. They have a new draught beer on called Bishops @ 8.5%,yep 8.5%. At the bar i ordered 3 pints of same. Barman says to me sorry Sir(thats respect) on instructions from Head Office i can only sell it in half pints. To which i replied i want to drink the stuff,not get a bloody taster. So his suggestion to me was that he sold me 6 x half pints and gave me 3 empty pint glasses.......Job Done.
Have to say 2 pints of this and you know you have had a drink.
Mista H
How difficult can it be to boil a toast?
Hope the glass broke in his hand when he washed it and he needed treatment.
That, is a particularly unsavoury remark that shows an unpleasant disposition.
steve
Not a joke,but a true story
Went to a Wetherspoons this afternoon. They have a new draught beer on called Bishops @ 8.5%,yep 8.5%. At the bar i ordered 3 pints of same. Barman says to me sorry Sir(thats respect) on instructions from Head Office i can only sell it in half pints. To which i replied i want to drink the stuff,not get a bloody taster. So his suggestion to me was that he sold me 6 x half pints and gave me 3 empty pint glasses.......Job Done.
Have to say 2 pints of this and you know you have had a drink.
Mista H
Also true - I was in a Weatherspoons 2 weeks ago and asked for my own used glass to be refilled - no sir can't do that breaches health and safety requirements!! Now I have to trust in the effectiveness of their glass cleaning process to remove some other plonkers viruses and suffer from the detergent residues for a second or third time!! Hope the glass broke in his hand when he washed it and he needed treatment.
What w@nker makes up these rules?? I know it was when TonyBLiar was god.
Why isn't Richard a moderator for these stupid laws and interpretations??
FF
In my pub they only bring you new glass if you order different beer.
But I don't live in the UK. 
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
Makes me proud to be British.
They've found an early draft of the script to Alien.
Ash: I can't find the milk Ellen!
Ripley; In space no one can. Here, use cream.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks. he asked what are all these clocks?
St peter answered they are all lie-clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a lie-clock.every time you tell a lie the hands on your clock move. Oh said the man,who clock is that?
Thats mother Teresas replied St Peter,the hands have never moved,indicating she has never told a Lie.
Incredible said the man. And whose clock is that? said the man pointing. That is Abraham Lincolns clock,the hands have move only twice,telling us that he only ever told 2 lies in his entire life.
Where is Tony Blairs clock asked the man. We are using it as a ceiling fan replied St Peter.
Mista H
Religious jokes are the best, are they not?
Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
They've found an early draft of the script to Alien.
Ash: I can't find the milk Ellen!
Ripley; In space no one can. Here, use cream.
**** me. That's good. Really good. I'm gonna have to steal it.
Thousands of tins of baked beans have been stolen from a lorry while the driver was asleep in his cab.
A total of 6,400 tins of Heinz baked beans with sausages were taken after thieves cut a large hole in the white Scania vehicle, West Mercia Police said.
The incident happened while the truck was parked in a layby on the A441 at Cookhill, near Redditch in Worcestershire.
An entire pallet and part of a second pallet were stolen from the lorry between 8.45pm on Monday and 5.30am on Tuesday.
"Police are appealing for information, especially about anyone trying to sell large quantities of Heinz baked beans in suspicious circumstances," a force spokesman said.
The product code is 71517000 with an expiry date of 31 March 2015.
Anyone with information should contact police on 101 or alternatively, the anonymous Crimestoppers charity on 0800 555 111 for which a reward may be paid.
Thousands of tins of baked beans have been stolen from a lorry while the driver was asleep in his cab.
A total of 6,400 tins of Heinz baked beans with sausages were taken after thieves cut a large hole in the white Scania vehicle, West Mercia Police said.
The incident happened while the truck was parked in a layby on the A441 at Cookhill, near Redditch in Worcestershire.
An entire pallet and part of a second pallet were stolen from the lorry between 8.45pm on Monday and 5.30am on Tuesday.
"Police are appealing for information, especially about anyone trying to sell large quantities of Heinz baked beans in suspicious circumstances," a force spokesman said.
The product code is 71517000 with an expiry date of 31 March 2015.
Anyone with information should contact police on 101 or alternatively, the anonymous Crimestoppers charity on 0800 555 111 for which a reward may be paid.
I'm sure somebody will get wind of it!
So I beheaded her and stuck a video of that on instead.