Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Bravo, Tony! 
video gold.....!
Calling WWF....
Kids asked for a Halloween horror experience that would last all year long.
Bought them ManUnited season tickets.
Kids asked for a Halloween horror experience that would last all year long.
Bought them ManUnited season tickets.
The horror is even closer if you live anywhere near Highbury Corner!
We had all the mod cons.
BRILLIANT! Fair spat my coffee out at that one!
I agree Kevin. For me that rates as joke of the year on this thread.
She had a hissy fit when she saw it.
Not so much a Joke but a true story from yesterday.
In W H Smiths,in the q waiting to pay. Guy in front of me buying 2 Mags for 9 quid,cashier asks if he wants a bag,guy says yes pls,cashier says i am afraid its now 1P for a small bag. Guy puts the mags down & walks out the shop.
Not sure who is wrong & who is right on this one.
Mista h
Not so much a Joke but a true story from yesterday.
In W H Smiths,in the q waiting to pay. Guy in front of me buying 2 Mags for 9 quid,cashier asks if he wants a bag,guy says yes pls,cashier says i am afraid its now 1P for a small bag. Guy puts the mags down & walks out the shop.
Not sure who is wrong & who is right on this one.
Mista h
it's 5p in Wales .... by law. Every shop has to charge 5p. However loose items are free. so the Hi-Fi shop gave me a free carrier bag for loose speaker cable, but if it had come in a packet, they would have had to charge. Similarly fish and chips can go straight into a free carrier bag, but if they are wrapped, the shop has to charge 5p. Why do we have politicians???
Bob wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we
couldn't find it."
Bob groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a
new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000
an inch."
Bob perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you
want. But I understand that you have been married for over fifty years
and this is something you should discuss with your wife Karen. If you had a
five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five
incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a
role in helping you make a decision."
Bob agrees to talk it over with Karen. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with
your wife?"
"Yes I have," Bob says.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says Bob.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting new granite counter tops."
My brother recently went to Ireland with his Irish girlfriend:
True story: When we arrived in Ireland, we had to go our separate ways through immigration--Catherine waltzed through without stopping, while I stood in line with 200 other American tourists. When I finally got to the counter, I was quizzed by a youngish-looking Muslim woman (judging by head scarf) whose English, while fluent, was strongly accented. (No doubt she thought mine the same.) Our exchange went something like this:
"Are you here on business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure--I'm here to attend a wedding."
"You are getting married? I do not see a wedding visa in your passport."
"No, I'm going to be at a wedding, but I'm not getting married."
"You do know, don't you, that you have to have a wedding visa to get married."
"No, I didn't know that, but I will keep it in mind for future reference, should I ever decide to get married."
"Where is the woman you are planning to marry--is she travelling with you today?"
"Well, I am travelling with a woman, but she's already gone through immigration separately, since she's an Irish citizen--"
"So, you are getting married then? But it still appears that you do not have a wedding visa. Even if you are marrying an Irish citizen, you still have to have a wedding visa."
"I promise you--if I ever decide to get married in Ireland, I will certainly obtain a wedding visa beforehand."
This last bit seemed to satisfy her sense of propriety, if not international law, and I was finally allowed to enter....
The government have described it as a setback.
Please hold.... your call is important to us.
Please hold.... your call is important to us.
I was disappointed the spacecraft wasn't more ornate like the ET one...
The world's most accurate pie chart.
Bravo Tony. That takes the cake!
Hope you are doing well 
Is it not take the biscuit (base)?
Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?"
Two cats are asleep on a sloping roof. Which one will fall off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
The world's most accurate pie chart.
Looks like a bit of a tart to me !
I said "Don't you mean a clothes shop?"
He said "A Crows shop!"
I said "OK, I might pop down for a Rook"