Best Jokes (continues)

Sound up

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVN4PRLrpsA

Christmas is just like any other day for me,sitting at the dinner table with a big fat bird that does not gobble any more.

Mista h

What is nasal sex ?

Fcuk nose,

Mista h

True story.

I had to dictate a letter to a patient today. He's a retired dentist. I had to laugh when I saw the name of his house, Toothacre.

That reminds me of a longer older joke mista h.

A woman goes to her GP complaining she doesn't gain satisfaction from any form of sex. The doctor goes through the full range of sexual positions and fetishes but she replied she'd tried everything with no satisfaction. He then asks if she'd tried nasal sex and she replied 'No'. He explains what to do and tells her to report back in a week.

The following week she returns to the GP. 

"How did you get on Mrs Smith?" 

In a nasal voice she said "Great".

The GP asked if she had any questions.

"Just one doctor. Can nasal sex make you pregnant?

"No" replied the doctor.

Snort!!

"That's good" she replied in a normal voice.

I just got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,ungrateful bleeders,all i said was hurry up for fcuks sake,some of us have got homes to go to.

Mista h

Not very PC mista h. I hope the girls on the forum don't look at this thread.

Not really a joke, but it made me smile. It was on the wall in a staff room I recently visited:

That's why we use SS spoons, it is amazing the number of coffee shops that use SS large cutlery but have tacky plastic spoons or worse "stirrers".

Let me know if this one is any better,and when can you do my op as i think St Georges is shut until further notice.

Fireman have just rescued an irishman with his penis caught in a condom machine.

They asked him what happened,and he said the sign says insirt £2 and push knob in.

Mista H

Last nite i was sitting on the sofa watching TV,when i heard my wifes voice from the kitchen,what would you like for tea my love,chicken,beef or lamb?

I said thank you,i will have the chicken please. You are having soup you fat bastard,i was talking to the cat.

Mista h

So you collect nazi memorabilia?

3 guys approach St Peter, at the pearly gates
As they near him, St Peter asks
"What did you each do with your lives?"

The First man says "I was a priest"

"Well, my good man" says St Peter "Go straight through the gates, and welcome"

The second man says "I was a heart surgeon"

"You too my good friend, straight ahead through the gates" Replied St Peter

The third man says "I was a musician"

"Oh" Says St Peter "Go round the back, down the unlit lane full of rubbish, up 3 flights of stairs,

through 6 sets of double doors, and would you mind carrying these heavy boxes while you're at it!"

steve

^^^^ Chris Dolan will love this one. 

Love it.

I sold my car last week.

The guy who bought it turned up today, complaining it was a total wreck and I'd described it as having one careful owner.

I told him it has had one careful owner. The bloke who owned it before me.

Two DJs are talking, one asks the other "Fancy going to see a film tonight?"

He replies "Hmm... I dunno. Who's the projectionist?"

Make sure you get the correct Insurance when having sex.

Here is a list of companies catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila’s Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

I'll get my coat...

Obviously a real story from your home life, mista h  LOL

There goes to show how much time I spend on this thread. Apologies.