Best Jokes (continues)

In an Indian restaurant last nite having a meal. Waiter came over and says curry ok ?

I said go on then,just one song then fcuk off.

Mista H

Sorry in advance if this has been posted before......probably has.

Joko Ono has just signed up for the next series of I am a celebrity get me out of here. Show bosses think she will do well,as she has been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years.

Mista H

Groan H, need to get out more

Not sure if it's a joke per se but I certainly found it funny:

I can stoop lower Paul

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says hang on your a duck.

I see your eyes are working replies the duck.

And you can talk says the barman.

I see your ears are working to says the duck,now if you dont mind can i have my beer and sandwich please ?

Certainly.sorry about that says the barman as he pulls the duck his pint. its just that we dont get many ducks in this pub,what are you doing round this way?

I am working on the building site across the road explains the duck,i am a plasterer.

The duck then sits down and pulls out a newspaper and starts to read it. So the duck reads his paper,drinks his beer and eats his sandwich. bids the barman gooday and leaves.

This goes on for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a drink and the barman says to him i know this duck who would be just brilliant for your circus. he talks,drinks beer and reads newspapers.

Sounds fantastic says the ringmaster handing over his buisness card,get the duck to give me a call.

So next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,hey mr duck i reckon i can line you up with a top job,paying really good money.

I am always looking for the next job says the duck,where is it ?

At the circus says the barman.

The circus? repeats the duck.

Thats right replies the barman.

With all those animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans says the duck.

Of course ,the barman replies.

And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle,persists the duck.

Thats right says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement and says.....what the fcuk would they want with a plasterer?

Mista h

Blimey. That is pretty low Mista.

lalochezia  lal·o·che·zi·a (lāl'ō-kē'zē-ə) 
n. 
 Emotional relief gained by using indecent or vulgar language.

There is a word for it? Thank **** for that!

 Very funny H, cheered me up no end 

Try this one paul

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only others to survive were a  sheep and a sheepdog .All 3 were stranded on a desert island.

After being their a while he got into the habit of taking his 2 animal friends down to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening their was a red sky and cirrus cloud,and a warm breeze.......a perfect nite for romance.

As they sat there the sheep started looking better and better to the welshman. Soon he leaned over to the sheep,and put his arm round it,but the sheep dog growled fiercely until he took his arm away from the sheep.

A few weeks later there was another shipwreck and the only survivor was Ann Widdicombe.

That evening the Welshman brought Ann Widdicombe to the evening beach ritual. Red clouds,cirrus clouds,a perfect nite for romance.

Soon he started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could.But finally gave inn and leaned over to Ann and told her he had not been intimate with anyone for months.

Ann batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said

Could you take the dog for a walk.

Mista h

Poor Ann gets it again 

The worst job I ever had was working in a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

Apparently Pussy Riot have reformed as Penis Riot.

Another "fair spat my coffee out at that" moment.

THE SENSUOUS WIFE

Have you ever seen a £20 all crumpled up?....the woman asked her husband.

No.....said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile,unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse,and slowly reached down into her cleavage,and pulled out a crumpled £20 note.

He took the £20 from her and smiled approvingly.

Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?....she then asked her husband.

No...no i have not,he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy smile,pulled up her skirt,and reached into her tight sheer knickers,and pulled out a crumpled £50 note.

He took the £50 note,and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

Now...she said,have you ever seen £10,000 all crumpled up?

No,never...he said,becoming more aroused and excited.

WELL GO AND LOOK IN THE GARAGE.

mista H

Eddie Large has been admitted to hospital after falling over a road sign, catching pneumonia, suffering pancreatic problems and a collapsed lung. The surgeon explained 'this is no laughing matter'. There again, he could have been describing his career.

What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?

A vet.

I may regret this in a couple of months...Or even by the weekend.

JACK & JILL

Jack was about to marry Jill,so his father took him to one side and said when i married your mother,the first thing i did when we got home was to take off my trousers and give them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did they were far to big,and that she could not possibly wear them. Exactly i told her,and thats why i wear the trousers in this family and always will. Since that day we have never had a problem.

Jack took his fathers advice,and as soon as he got Jill home after the wedding,he did the same thing,took off his trousers,gave them to Jill,and told her to put them on. Jill said they were far to big and that she could not possibly wear them.

Exactly replied jack,i wear the trousers in this house,and i dont want you to ever forget that.

Jill thought for a moment,and then removed her knickers,gave them to Jack,and told him to try them on. Jack tried them on, but said they were far to small and he could not possibly get into them.

Exactly replied jill.And if you dont change your bloody attitude you never will.

Mista H