Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
A stick?
G
God knows why I was crying again.
So I bought some sandpaper pyjamas.
My wife asked me if I could be smoother in bed.
So I bought some silk pajamas.
OK, sorry, Tony. But you inspired me to try a post here 
.
Welcome!
Thanks Tony, we'll see. I suspect I'll be a much better reader here than contributor, but I'll keep my options open. Cheers!
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a train next to a priest. The mans tie was stained,his face was covered in red lipstick,and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn pocket.
He opens his newspaper and starts reading.
After a few minutes the man turns to the priest and asks,say father what causes arthritis?
The priest replies,my son its caused my loose living,being with cheap wicked women,to much alcohol,contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes,and lack of a bath.
The man mutters in response,well dam me,then he returns to his paper.
The priest,thinking about what he has said turns to the man and apologizes. i am very sorry,i did not mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis ?
The drunk answers,i dont have it father,i was just reading in my paper that the pope does.
Mista H
The MI6 spy did it to himself, in the bathroom, with a sports holdall, and a padlock.
The MI6 spy did it to himself, in the bathroom, with a sports holdall, and a padlock.
I'm playing Cluedo: The CIA version
The commie sympathiser did it out of the Texas School Book Depository with a dodgy rifle and a magic bullet. He acted alone!
All the single ladies (all the single ladies)
All the single ladies (all the single ladies)
You're going to die alone surrounded by cats.
Great, first he spends years irritating the heck out of me with what he laughably calls 'music' - not to mention that smug bloody grin of his - now he's pre-empting my punchlines!
THE GAY COWBOY
A rancher died and left everything to his wife.
She was a good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,but as she knew very little about farming,decided to place an ad in the local paper for a ranch hand.
2 cowboys applied for the job,one was gay and the other a drunk.She thought long and hard about it and in the end decided to hire the gay,thinking it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker,who put in long hours every day,and knew a lot about ranching. The 2 of them worked hard and the ranch was doing well.
Then one day she said to the hired hand,you have done a good job and the ranch looks great,you should go into town and kick up your heels.
The hired hand agreed and went into town one saturday night. Eventually returning home at 2.30 in the morning. On entering the house he found the ranchers wife sitting by the fireplace,with a glass of wine waiting for him.
She called him over to her and said unbotton my blouse and take it off. Trembling,he did so.
Now take off my boots.
He did as she asked,ever so slowly.
Now take off my stockings.
He removed them and placed them gently by her boots.
Now take off my shirt.
He slowly unbuttoned it,constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
Now take off my bra. Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said.
IF YOU EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES INTO TOWN AGAIN YOU ARE FIRED.
Mista H
She's Arapaho.
Adam do you really have nothing better to do?
A joke gets repeated so what!
Just read the cyclists vs motorist thread for repeats.
All the single ladies (all the single ladies)
All the single ladies (all the single ladies)
You're going to die alone surrounded by cats.
OMG, that really warmed me this morning !
"How did you do it so quickly?" she asked.
"It wasn't too difficult," I replied, "I'm a vet."
A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up.
After the physical the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad news"
The man responds "Please doc, tell me the good news first"
The doctor says "Your pecker has grown two inches since our last visit"
The man replies "That's wonderful news, doc! I hardly care what the bad news is now"
The doctor says "Don't get too excited. The bad news is it's malignant and it has to be removed"
Adam do you really have nothing better to do?
A joke gets repeated so what!
Just read the cyclists vs motorist thread for repeats.
Spot on Big H
Some 120 pages of jokes,am i expected to read every flippin post just in case i should happen to duplicate it !!...No way. If i see a posted joke thats a repeat i just ignore it and move on.
I have some 100+ stories/jokes that i was slowly going to work my way thru. Wont be posting again on this topic.
Mista H
I suppose if you wanted to be Adam's best buddy, a quick google of "Naim Audio" with a couple of key words might work. I've done that before now, and prevented myself reposting my own!
Keep smiling H, lifes too short.
And please keep posting, its a good laugh, and certainly keep emailing me 
Keep smiling H, lifes too short.
And please keep posting, its a good laugh, and certainly keep emailing me
Happy as a pig in s - - - Cbr. No problem sending you e mails.
Mista H
Keep smiling H, lifes too short.
And please keep posting, its a good laugh, and certainly keep emailing me
Happy as a pig in s - - - Cbr. No problem sending you e mails.
Mista H
Yes. Don't let the duck get you down, Mista H. The occasional repeat in the jokes thread is a tiny price worth paying for the regular stream of the chuckles that this give me. The more the merrier.
MDS