Best Jokes (continues)

Too soon.

Give it at least until 2014.

By then you can probably mention it was a Scottish bar.

Richard, class joke, nice one

Was it a rotory club do?

I had a major operation performed in a UK hospital by a Roumanian, and some excellent dental work done by a Polish woman. None of which is funny....

 They must have removed your sense of humour during one of the procedures.

A race to the South Pole featuring Prince Harry has been abandoned due to harsh conditions.

Apparently It's snowing and a bit cold.

The best way for a man to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses is to answer the door with your fly open and say, "Sorry about the delay I was just watching some porn", then go to shake their hands. They vanish back up the driveway in a cloud of dust.

If Starbucks has done one thing for coffee,

It's turning a drink that's been around for 1000's of years into a pretentious git. 

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was an elder from a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. 

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' 

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..' 

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. 

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' 

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. 

The weatherman replied, 
'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the shit out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

C.

Jesus used to cut out all those coupons from the papers.  He was the Great Redeemer.

This is a very funny festive thing.

If any of you has ever worked for, or in, a large global corporation, and been on the receiving end of a 'brand' presentation, I'm sure this will strike a chord and have you laughing out loud. If not then it is worth it for the Venn diagrams alone. Terrific.

http://www.quietroom.co.uk/santa_brandbook/one

As someone who worked at an ad agency for almost six years, I can relate to that Rod

Absolutely brilliantly spot on!

All those women with faulty PIP breast implants?  Tough titty.

That is very very good! G

Very good indeed.I love it.