Best Jokes (continues)

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river.

Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof.

While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof.

At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in.

Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.

Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim tells her "That's ok."

The woman says "Are you sure?"

Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns.

Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.

Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows

WHO IS THE ODD MAN OUT - and more importantly - WHY??

Lord Stevenson: former chairman, HBOS

Sir Fred Goodwin: former chief executive, RBS

Andy Hornby: former chief executive, HBOS

Sir Tom McKillop: former chairman, RBS

John McFall MP: chairman of Treasury Select Committee

Alastair Darling: Chancellor of the Exchequer

Gordon Brown: Prime Minister and former Chancellor

Sir Terry Wogan: presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show



You're probably thinking

Terry Wogan.

You're right.

However, the reason may surprise you...........

Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds any formal banking qualification!

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says

........... 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!!

There are only 10 types of people in the world — those who understand binary, and those who don't.


Tony

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal turned to the other and said, "Does something taste funny to you?"

dislexic child turns to his mother out in town
"can i have a mcdonnalds" he says
"only if you can spell it" says mum
"f**k it i'll have a KFC"!



so sorry

i love that one

Wonderful English from Around the World


Only the English could have invented this language...


We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.


You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?


If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?


Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.



Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!


Let’s face it - English is a crazy language.



There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England ..
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?



Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?


If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.


In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?


You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.


And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

I walked past a special needs school today, the sign outside said SLOW Children! Thought to myself that can’t be good for their self esteem . . .

There comes a point when these are so funny I don't care if they turn out to be apocraphyl or not;

IDIOT SIGHTING #1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said,'Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back.' She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!
Do not confuse the staff at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two…'
We haven't used Garador repair since.

Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford UK

IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road. She said the reason was : 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar, Herts. , UK

IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxhey Herts, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport ... UK

IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow, Middlesex , UK

IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'
This was at Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #8
A coach party were out for the day, stopped of at a refreshment halt in Hertforshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffinated please".to which the girl replied: " Sorry, we only do coffee!"

Story from Luton Probus.

IDIOT SIGHTING #9
I left a note at a copy shop asking for a drawing to be enlarged to 160% of its size. When I returned the young lady said she had not been able to do it. When I asked why not, she replied "What's percent?"
(The copier controls were marked 1.5 times, 1.6 times, 1.7 times etc)

It really DID happen, in Alton Hants.

We have a standard reply in house "I blame the teachers", SWMBO is a teacher.

What is really depressing is these people will be allowed to breed, they really should have been drowned in the gene pool.

Most teachers are in a position to nominate to the police who the police's most frequent customers are going to be (if the kid has not already started on his/her career of crime and nuisance.

The teachers are to blame for not tipping the police off asap.

The most worrying thing is that for thousands of years most brain-challenged people could find work in spite of being a bit dim.

Technological advances have seen to it that these people will never find work suited to their brain-power, so in part technological advance can be seen as having contributed to a new class of people driven to criminality as they no konger have a useful place in society. Disposed and ridiculed, they have nothing to loose in this.

Unfortunately in time this may lead to a renewed pressure for the practice of eugenics.

ATB from George

British Hospitals - True Stories.........

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

"Our First Winter"

DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering
as
far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first
time
ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that
day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway
with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved
back
and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a
couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and
joined
in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped
toaround minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.


JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our
cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was
broken.


JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had
another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush That bloody snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel.


JAN 9th
More f***ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been
damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to
death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd
degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a
f***ing deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.


JAN 13th
F**king b*st*rd white sh1te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on
every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little tw*ts
next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
carrot so far up the little bugger's arse it'll take a good surgeon
hours
to find it. If I ever catch the tw*t that drives the snowplough I'll
chew
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*st*rd
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then
he
accelerates down the street like Michael Schuf*ckingmacher and buries
the
f***ing driveway again.


JAN 17th
Sixteen more f***ing inches of f***ing snow and f***ing ice and fucking
sleet and god knows what other white sh1te fell last night. I am in
court
in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick.
Can' t move my f***ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.
Minus 20 and more f***ing snow forecast.


JAN 18th
F*CK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

Two nuns were walking through a park, when, of a sudden, a flasher leapt from the bushes waving his tackle before running off.

The older of the two nuns had a stroke. The other wasn't quick enough.

Dyslexic kid out with his mother asks:
"Mum can we have McDonalds for lunch?"
"Only if you can spell it." she says
"Sod that, let's have FCK instead."

quote:

Originally posted by rodwsmith:
Dyslexic kid out with his mother asks:
"Mum can we have McDonalds for lunch?"
"Only if you can spell it." she says
"Sod that, let's have FCK instead."

KO

Two dyslexic skiers are out for the day and arguing,
One says "It's Zig Zag", the other it's "Zag zig".
Eventually at the top of the mountain they see a Guy cooming towards them.
"Excuse me", they say," We're skiers who dont know whether we zig zag or zag zig down the mountain. Do you know?
Sorry , said the Guy, I'm a Tobboganist.
O.k. said the first skier, can I have 20 Silk Cut and a Telegraph please

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog when it leads him to smack into a post.

Once he's recovered,the blind man reaches into his pocket and fetches out a treat to feed the dog.

A passer-by remarks: "That's marvellous! Even after he's made a mistake like that, you're giving him a treat."

"Not really..." Says the blind man. "I'm just trying to find which end is which so I can kick him in the bollocks!"

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!