Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
You your favourite dinner tonight.I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., pissed out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance Dad."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Ok, it's nearly Christmas. Here it is;
Last night I was stood in the queue at Dominos Pizza behind Good King Wenceslas...
you know the rest.
Oh puns now is it..?
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered.
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!
Crime in multi-storey car parks at Christmas.
That is wrong on so many different levels.
John Lewis new Christmas clearance ad said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
I can't really make these ones Christmassy...
I swallowed some Tippex last night.
Woke up with a massive correction.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let’s make this more interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess
I went to a Mexican restaurant the other day, but my meal was cut short due to being accused of stealing a burrito. I didn't do it, but I took the wrap!
It seems jokes about paedophiles raping kids at the BBC are fine, as are jokes about people dying in a Scottish bar. I guess the PC brigade have taken over the asylum.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and grow a pair. This is nothing to do with the so-called "PC brigade". You posted a racist joke.
When he was growing up as a small lad in Austria, Adolf Hitler's Christmasses were always a tad austere.
He only had one bauble.
Some misbehaving children are not going to get the presents they want this Christmas.
They have only them elves to blame.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"Doorbell repair man."
One year Father Christmas is forced to have an official from the Civil Aviation Authority check his sleigh to make sure it’s airworthy.
The official checks out the sleigh on the ground then sits beside Father Christmas for a test flight.
Suddenly Father Christmas notices the official has a revolver in his pocket.
‘What’s that for?’ he asks. ‘You’re not a hijacker, or expecting trouble are you?’
‘No,’ replies the official.
‘But we have to see how you handle this craft when you lose an engine on take-off.’
Whatever next?
Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?
She's a keeper.
The shiny drum kit and the black bass are free to a good home, but the sexy fender has already been taken away.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault; I should have taken them off first.
Quote:
"November 2013 16:37
What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A vet.
I may regret this in a couple of months...Or even by the weekend. "
You see, I think it was my fault.
It's strange isn't it, you stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.
I went in to my butcher's this morning, to get my meats for Christmas.
He said " I bet you fifty quid that you can't reach those two Sirloins"
I replied "I'm not betting."
"Why not?" he asked
I said "The steaks are too high"
Last night I slept with twin sisters Ellie and Elsie Dee. It was most enlightening.
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
But apparently I'm not taking the missing persons report seriously.
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
He was a Geordie that elephant was he?
Every year I give my Gran the made up film "Shaking salt onto your tongue".