Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 20 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Don't apologise, Steve. I rarely do.
Posted on: 20 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Many soldiers returning from World War II had alcohol and drug addictions.
And went straight into prefab.
Posted on: 20 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
If I had a pound for every lie I've ever told , I'd have about 350 trillion pounds.
Posted on: 20 January 2014 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
If I had a pound for every lie I've ever told , I'd have about 350 trillion pounds.
If I've told you once I've told you a million times, don;t exaggerate!
Posted on: 20 January 2014 by MDS
There are some horrible people about.
I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four blokes in Manchester United shirts played football with it.
I was just about to ring the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.
[Also suitable for the football thread]
Posted on: 21 January 2014 by Tony2011
True story(ish).
Nearly £6,000 of Viagra has been stolen from military reserves since 2007, according to Government figures.
The anti-impotence pills are among £7m of stolen stock, which also includes 100 bayonets, thousands of rounds of ammunition, televisions, a karaoke rig and an industrial washing machine.
The Ministry of Defence was quick to point out that Viagra was also used for conditions such as low blood pressure and altitude sickness.
A spokesman for the army has insisted the stock was to help raise their men's moral!
Posted on: 21 January 2014 by Sniper
Originally Posted by MDS:
There are some horrible people about.
I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four blokes in Manchester United shirts played football with it.
I was just about to ring the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.
[Also suitable for the football thread]
That would be funny if it was not so true
Posted on: 22 January 2014 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by Tony2011:
True story(ish).
Nearly £6,000 of Viagra has been stolen from military reserves since 2007, according to Government figures.
The anti-impotence pills are among £7m of stolen stock, which also includes 100 bayonets, thousands of rounds of ammunition, televisions, a karaoke rig and an industrial washing machine.
The Ministry of Defence was quick to point out that Viagra was also used for conditions such as low blood pressure and altitude sickness.
A spokesman for the army has insisted the stock was to help raise their men's moral!
A lorry carrying thousands of pounds' worth of Viagra was held up on the M1 yesterday.
Police have warned the public - women particularly - not to approach the thieves, they are a bunch of hardened criminals.
Posted on: 22 January 2014 by Tony2011
Originally Posted by Kevin-W:
Originally Posted by Tony2011:
True story(ish).
Nearly £6,000 of Viagra has been stolen from military reserves since 2007, according to Government figures.
The anti-impotence pills are among £7m of stolen stock, which also includes 100 bayonets, thousands of rounds of ammunition, televisions, a karaoke rig and an industrial washing machine.
The Ministry of Defence was quick to point out that Viagra was also used for conditions such as low blood pressure and altitude sickness.
A spokesman for the army has insisted the stock was to help raise their men's moral!
A lorry carrying thousands of pounds' worth of Viagra was held up on the M1 yesterday.
Police have warned the public - women particularly - not to approach the thieves, they are a bunch of hardened criminals.
Posted on: 22 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Finding a password.
Please set a password to register……
cabbage
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
boiled cabbage
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
1 boiled cabbage
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
50soddingboiledcabbages
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
50SODDINGboiledcabbages
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, that password is already in use.
Posted on: 22 January 2014 by BigH47
Step 1 Buy 3D printer
Step 2 Print 3D printer
Step 3 Return 3D printer
Posted on: 22 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
A unicorn, a flying pig, and a talking dog walk into a bar.
The barman says "Yep, those mushrooms were a bad idea."
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by BigH47:
Step 1 Buy 3D printer
Step 2 Print 3D printer
Step 3 Return 3D printer
Step 4 Advertise on Ebay
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by jjbomber
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am
and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
"The officer then asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "The wife."
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
What's the difference between Paul Walker and Justin Bieber ?
The stupid bloody Miami Police.
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
What's the difference between Paul Walker and Justin Bieber ?
The stupid bloody Miami Police.
The prat can't even get that right.
Drag racing in a lambo at 60mph?
Really?
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I'm starting to think Justin Bieber may actually want to go to prison,
Can't think why though...
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by A. Lawson
Justin Bieber wants to become the next Nelson Mandela.
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by A. Lawson
and the difference between Paul Walker nd Just Bieber's reports is that it takes two cars to drag race. There was only one in Paul's case...
His new movie is out, Into the Blue...Spruce. lol
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by A. Lawson
now thats beautiful.
Originally Posted by Tony2011:
Originally Posted by Kevin-W:
Originally Posted by Tony2011:
True story(ish).
Nearly £6,000 of Viagra has been stolen from military reserves since 2007, according to Government figures.
The anti-impotence pills are among £7m of stolen stock, which also includes 100 bayonets, thousands of rounds of ammunition, televisions, a karaoke rig and an industrial washing machine.
The Ministry of Defence was quick to point out that Viagra was also used for conditions such as low blood pressure and altitude sickness.
A spokesman for the army has insisted the stock was to help raise their men's moral!
A lorry carrying thousands of pounds' worth of Viagra was held up on the M1 yesterday.
Police have warned the public - women particularly - not to approach the thieves, they are a bunch of hardened criminals.
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by jjbomber
Justin is now blaming the police for encouraging him to speed. He says the car sirens were going 'Bie-ber, Bie-ber, Bie-ber'
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by Tony2011
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by Sniper
Ralph, age 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the
Afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
Pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of
Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big,
Stately residences ... No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
All... No public restrooms. He really, really has to go, after all those
Beers and that trouble with his prostate.
Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent
Buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby
(policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you
Know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, REALLY have to go,
And I just can't find a public restroom.""Ah, yes," says the bobby, "just
Follow me."
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he
Opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."
Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
Seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and
Huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
Relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was
Really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"
"No sir," replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Posted on: 23 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Last year, at work, we trapped a flea in a container. Now all we do is watch it grow mouldy.
I blame the tick in the box culture.
Posted on: 24 January 2014 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony2011:
+1 
