Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 29 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Jokes about ducks are not all they're quacked up to be.
Posted on: 30 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
The guy at the Job Centre told me a joke about a job vacancy.
I didn't get it, but the Polish bloke behind me did.
Posted on: 30 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Myself and twelve friends went to a bestiality orgy a short while ago, only to find none of us were well-endowed enough to satisfy the pachyderm that was there.
Now, whenever we're together, nobody talks about the room in the elephant.
Posted on: 30 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My dad named me 'Sue', after the Johnny Cash song.
I think he was hoping for a boy.
Posted on: 31 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
'Knox Knox!'
"Who's there?"
"Interpol, now open the door!"
Posted on: 31 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
An argument with my wife is a lot like the accelerator pedal on a Smart car.
I can put my foot down, but I don't really expect much to happen.
Posted on: 31 January 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Big news on Transfer Deadline day as Amanda Knox looks to be on her way back to Italy...
Posted on: 31 January 2014 by tonym
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
Posted on: 31 January 2014 by MDS
Originally Posted by tonym:
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
Posted on: 01 February 2014 by Richard S
I haven't heard any good egg jokes for a while...
are they ova?
Posted on: 01 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Fourteen people have been killed trying to flee a deadly volcano in Indonesia.
Let's face it, if you can't outrun a stationary object, then............
Posted on: 02 February 2014 by tonym
Posted on: 02 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 02 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My wife has cat-like reflexes.
Every time I try and touch her, she hisses and tries to scratch my eyes out.
Posted on: 02 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Renewing your wedding vows.
Just another way of saying one of you had an affair.
Posted on: 02 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I came across a guy about to jump off a bridge. Noticing his wedding ring, I said "Think about your wife."
Oh well, I'm guessing she was problem.
Posted on: 03 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My blonde wife came home after going to the doctor's today. She told me that the man was very nice and even gave her a free prostate exam.
Posted on: 04 February 2014 by tonym
I came home from work today to see my wife stood in the garden whilst the firemen put out the flames in our kitchen.
"Why didn't you ring me?" I said.
"What could YOU have done?" she retaliated.
"Well," I said "I could have gone to the Red Lion on the way home and gotten a bite to eat there."
Posted on: 04 February 2014 by Richard Dane
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
My wife has cat-like reflexes.
Every time I try and touch her, she hisses and tries to scratch my eyes out.
brilliant.
Posted on: 04 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My dog Minton just ate my shuttlecock.
Bad Minton.
Posted on: 04 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Can you remember as kids we used to knock on people's doors and run away?
It still happens, it's called Parcelforce.
Posted on: 04 February 2014 by Loki
It still happens, it's called Parcelforce.
Or UPS or FedEx or DHL or Interlink or...
Posted on: 04 February 2014 by jjbomber
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
Posted on: 04 February 2014 by jjbomber
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.
'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
Posted on: 04 February 2014 by jjbomber
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison do it's work.'
